I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial “we.”
In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.
Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven’t been done before.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
Do something every day that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.
Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
Virtue has never been as respectable as money.
New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.