– “I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.” – Dave Barry
– “Some things you just can’t question. Like you can’t question why two plus two is four. So don’t question it, don’t try to look it up. I don’t know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don’t know.” – Shaquille O’Neal
– “The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, ‘How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?’ A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, ‘A basketball coach?'” – Old Basketball Joke
– “Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It’s up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.” – Bill Walton
– “These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.” – Charles Barkley
– “This [basketball] is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn’t have spectators.” – Dick Vertleib
– “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” – Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice
– “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.” – Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player
– “What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?” – Woody Allen
– “I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I’m the good-quality dog meat. I’m the Alpo of the NBA.” – Shaquille O’Neal
– “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” – Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record in 1992
– “We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.” – Weldon Drew
– “There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.” – Abe Lemons
– “We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.” – Norm Stewart
– “That’s a terrible defensive effort by Robert Horry. He didn’t even make it difficult for Rasheed Wallace to score.”
Snapper: “Well, what do you expect? Earlier you said that Wallace could be one of the best players in the game, and now you want Robert Horry to guard him one-on-one?”
Bill: “No, I said that Rasheed could be the best player in the game.” – Bill Walton & Snapper Jones
