1. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. —Joe Martin
2. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. —Ambrose Bierce
3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Noel Coward
4. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. —Will Rogers
5. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. —George Burns
6. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx
7. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.—Groucho Marx
8. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. —Sam Levenson
9. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. —Unknown Author
10. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. —Calvin Trillin
11. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. —David Richerby
12. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. —Garry Shandling
13. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. —Jack Benny
14. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. —Lily Tomlin
15. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks
16. If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect. —Ted Turner
17. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. —Henny Youngman
18. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. —Groucho Marx
19. Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. —Douglas Hofstadter
20. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. —Franklin P. Jones
I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. – Edward Albee
I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. – Frank Howard Clark
If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. – Mohandas Gandhi
If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor. – Jennifer Jones
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. – Francis Bacon
In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge. – George Herbert
Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. – Langston Hughes
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips
Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear. – Thomas W. Higginson
One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you. – Larry Gelbart
Puns are a form of humor with words. – Guillermo Cabrera Infante
The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense. – Jacob August Riis
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. – Peter De Vries
The secret to humor is surprise. – Aristotle
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. – Bill Cosby
There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. – Thomas W. Higginson
There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. – Robert Benchley
This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought. – Lin Yutang
What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor. – Bern Williams
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
Let me make your day better with some funny anger quotes selected just for you.
If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size? – Sydney J. Harris
Get mad, then get over it. – Colin Powell
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. – Malachy McCourt
Next time you’re mad, try dancing out your anger. – Sweetpea Tyler
Malice drinks one-half of its own poison. – Seneca
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. – Mark Twain
The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were people who knew they were wrong. – Wilson Mizner
If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: ‘I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.’ When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods. – Epictetus
Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one. – Albert Einstein
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. – Booker T. Washington
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. – Golda Meir
Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured – Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Expressing anger is a form of public littering. – Willard Gaylin
Keep cool; anger is not an argument. – Daniel Webster
Anger should never be an overnight guest. – Neal A. Maxwell
He is a fool who cannot be angry; – Seneca
Flying off the handle sometimes causes hammers and humans to lose their heads, as well as their effectiveness. – William Arthur Ward
People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing. – Will Rogers
Can you, please, choose your favorite and write it down in the comments section? Thank you!
I’ve managed to post here some great funny quotes from some unknown people, but related to today’s times.
– I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
-How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
– LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
– I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
– Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
– Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
– How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
– MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
– Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
– “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
– I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
What’s your favorite?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown
I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde
A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown
The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown
Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown
I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. ~ George Bernard Shaw
“Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do for oneself & one’s fellow human beings.” – Maya Angelou
“A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.” – Barbara Walters
“He who laughs, lasts.” – Mary Pettibone Poole
“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder
“There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.” – Eva Hoffman
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” – Bill Cosby
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” – Henry Ward Beecher
“It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.” – Oscar Wilde
“When humor goes, there goes civilization.” – Erma Bombeck
“A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” – Hugh Sidey
“A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done” – Dwight D. Eisenhower
“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” – Frank A. Clark
“No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge
“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.” – William Arthur Ward
“Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.” – Allen Klein
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” – Mel Brooks
“Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.” – Langston Hughes
“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.” – Christopher Morley
“If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.” – Jennifer Jones
“Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.” – Victor Borge
“Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.” – Leo Rosten
“Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.” – Langston Hughes
“Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.” – Eric Sevareid
“The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.” – Jacob August Riis