Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Top 20 Dwight Schrute Quotes

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

I am faster than 80% of all snakes.

I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.

I don’t believe you, continue.

Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

The eyes are the groin of the head.

My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man

Before I do anything I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.

Dwight Schrute QuotesYou know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.

Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.

There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season.

I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.

Question…
Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.

How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…

I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.

The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?

I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Happiness Quotes

– “When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.” – Helen Keller

– “Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities.” – Aristotle

– “Happiness resides not in posessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul.” – Democritus

– “People with many interests live, not only longest, but happiest.” – George Matthew Allen

– “In the hopes of reaching the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.” – Albert Schweitzer

– “Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.” – Aldous Huxley

– “There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.” – David Burns, Intimate Connections

– “The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitessimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

– “Men spend their lives in anticipations,—in determining to be vastly happy at some period when they have time. But the present time has one advantage over every other—it is our own. Past opportunities are gone, future have not come. We may lay in a stock of pleasures, as we would lay in a stock of wine; but if we defer the tasting of them too long, we shall find that both are soured by age.” – Charles Caleb Colton

– “Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though ’twere his own.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

– “The chances are that you have already come to believe that happiness is unattainable. But men have attained it. And they have attained it by realising that happiness does not spring from the procuring of physical or mental pleasure, but from the development of reason and the adjustment of conduct to principles.” – from How to Live on 24 Hours a Day, by Arnold Bennett

– “Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind.” – Alice Meynell

– “Fortify yourself with contentment, for this is an impregnable fortress.” – Epictetus

– “Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying things which are beyond the power of our will.” – Epictetus

– “I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than attempting to satisfy them.” – John Stuart Mills

– “You’re happiest while you’re making the greatest contribution.” – Robert F. Kennedy

– “Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.” – Benjamin Disraeli

– “Great effort from great motives is the best definition of a happy life.” – William Ellery Channing

– “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” – Mahatma Ghandi

– “The rays of happiness, like those of light, are colorless when unbroken.” – Henry W. Longfellow

– “Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers’ gardens.” –
Douglas Jerrold

– “Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it.” – J. Petit Senn

– “To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others.” – Albert Camus

– “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” – Aristotle

– “Try to be happy in this present moment, and put not off being so to a time to come,—as though that time should be of another make from this which has already come and is ours.” – Thomas Fuller

– “Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.” – George Santayana

– “No man is happy who does not think himself so.” – Publilius Syrus

– “Our minds are as different as our faces: we are all traveling to one destination; –happiness; but few are going by the same road.” – Charles Caleb Colton