A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. How little a thing can make us happy when we feel that we have earned it. To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble. Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal. We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don’t know anything and can’t read. When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not. Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so. When in doubt, tell the truth. When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself. Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. When you cannot get a compliment any other way pay yourself one. What a wee little part of a person’s life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin. Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself. I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people. The report of my death was an exaggeration. Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.