* When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. * I am faster than 80% of all snakes. * I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure. * I don’t believe you, continue. * Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms. * When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. * The eyes are the groin of the head. * My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man * Before I do anything I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing. * You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed. * Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things. * There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season * I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself. * Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. * How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable… * I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther. * The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? * I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching. * Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?