Funny Hilarious Quotes

– “They didn’t let me out, they just gave me a day pass.”

– “Anger is merely depression without enthusiasm.”

– “When God made man, she was only joking.”

– “I don’t drink; it dulls the drugs.”

– “God must love stupid people- he made so many!”

– “I like children. Properly cooked.”

– “Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.”

– “I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!”

– “Adults are just kids with money.”

– “TGIF- Thank God I’m female.”

– “Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”

– “Keep honking! I’m reloading!”

– “Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.”

– “Do unto others before they do unto you.”

– “Nothing is illegal until you get caught.”

– “Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.”

– “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”

– “If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

– “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.”

– “Men are idiots and I married their king.”

– “You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.”

– “Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.”

– “I see dumb people.”

– “Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.”

– “If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”

– “Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.”

– “The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.”

– “They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.”

– “Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.”

– “If it weren’t for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.”

– “Who died and made you Darth Vader?”

– “Too many freaks, not enough circus’s!”

– “Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill.”

– “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.”

– “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!”

– “I’m not littering…. I’m donating to the earth.”

– “If you don’t like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.”

– “DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.”

– “Your child may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.”

– “Doctors say I have a multiple personality, but we don’t agree with that.”

– “Don’t judge a book by its movie.”

– “Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.”

– “My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.”

– “If you have something to say, raise your hand. Then place it over your mouth.”

– “Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.”

– “I’m the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.”

– “Boys will be boys … so will a lot of middle aged men.”

– “Why do people say “no offense” when they’re about to offend someone?”