George Carlin Quotes

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans”

“”I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”

“You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.”