Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes


Tag: comedian quotes

George Carlin Quotes #3

George Carlin“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

“What year did Jesus think it was?”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”

“A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I’m messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.”

“No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.”

“If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”

“Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

George Carlin Quotes #2

George Carlin“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”

“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that …”

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans”

“”I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”

“You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.”

Don Adams Quotes

– “I am a quick study – I can memorize a script in an hour – but I can’t remember a name three seconds. I’ve even forgotten my wife’s name on occasion.”
– “I did movie star impressions as a kid in high school. Somehow they just got out of hand.”
– “I like getting married, but I don’t like being married.”
– “I was married awfully young and I felt trapped. My wife had been divorced and all the time we were married we were out of the Church. It wasn’t until we were divorced that we became good Catholics again.”

– “I’ve been paying alimony since I was 14 and child support since 15. That’s a joke, but not by much.”

– “It was a special show that became a cult classic of sorts, and I made a lot of money for it.”

– “Maxwell is serious, dedicated, awkward, forgetful, pompous to a certain degree, sentimental.”

– “Sometimes I wonder how I got into comedy at all.”