Tag: Mitch Hedberg

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg