Stephen Colbert Quotes
“Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.”
“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”
“Agnostics are just atheists without balls.”
“If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.”
“Tomorrow you’re all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody’s high!”
“Equations are the devil’s sentences.”
“Look, PETA! If God hadn’t wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them so darn tasty!”
“It is a well know fact that reality has liberal bias”
“All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”
“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.”
“Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”
“I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”
“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult:If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”
“Baby carrots are making me gay.”
“They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”
“Wikipedia is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge… or when I want to create some.”
“I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.”
“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”
“You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?”
“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”