"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?" "What year did Jesus think it was?" "People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think." “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.” "George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country." "In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem." "One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict." "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live” "A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist." "No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it." “If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.” "The planet is fine. The people are fucked." “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!" "Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view." "The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it." "Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."