Short Funny Quotes

“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car” – Anonymous

“I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.” – Anonymous

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Anonymous

“I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

“I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!” – Homer Simpson

“If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.” – Anonymous

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

“Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.” – Anonymous

“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.” – Anonymous

“Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.” – Anonymous

“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.” – Elayne Boosler

“To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times.” – Mark Twain

“My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.” – Paul Getty

“If at first you don’t succeed, order pizza.” – Anonymous

“Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.” – Anonymous

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.” – Albert Einstein

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.”” – Anonymous

“Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.” – Anonymous

“Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” – Anonymous

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”- Anonymous

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin