Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Dwight Schrute Quotes

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* When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
* I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
* I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.
* I don’t believe you, continue.
* Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
* When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
* The eyes are the groin of the head.
* My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man
* Before I do anything I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
* You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.
* Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.
* There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season
* I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
* Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
* How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…
* I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.
* The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
* I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
* Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Funny Life Sayings

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“Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.” – Anonymous

“Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.” – Anonymous

“It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.” – Anonymous

“Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.” – Anonymous

“When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Anonymous

“When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.” – Anonymous

“Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.” – Anonymous

“You can’t have everything….where would you put it?” – Anonymous

“If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.” – Anonymous

“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!” – Anonymous

Funny Women T-Shirt Sayings

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Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is…?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…

Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Funny Life Quotes

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“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen

“For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” – Clifton Fadiman

“Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” – Lou Erickso

“Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.” – William Shakespeare

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.” – Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

“Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he’s talking about.” – Sam Ewing

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.” – Charles Schulz

Funny Alcohol Quotes

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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? – Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. – William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. – Henry Lawson

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Unknown

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Kinky Friedman

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. – George Best

Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. – Brendan Behan

I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. – Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I drink to make other people interesting. – Unknown

5 Funny Quotes for Today

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1. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

2. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

3. “Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical” – Yogi Berra

4. “I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up” – Barbara Bush

5. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC