I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
The Christian’s Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Just the omission of Jane Austen’s books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn’t a book in it.
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
It is just like man’s vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don’t know.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
Zeal and sincerity can carry a new religion further than any other missionary except fire and sword.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession.
There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours.
Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
1. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.