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Funny Motivational Sports Quotes

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Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up. – Bill Vaughn

On how to make the game more exciting – Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the center jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns. – Al McGuire

Fans never fall asleep at our games because they’re afraid they might get hit with a pass. – George Raveling

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that. – Bill Shankly

I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. – Dave Barry

Basketball is like photography, if you don’t focus, all you have is the negative. – Dan Frisby

The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long. – Jack Dolph (on basketball)

Even if you are on the right track… You’ll get run over if you just sit there! – Will Rogers

Funny Quotes

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If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Cool Funny Sayings

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“If all else fails, read the manual.”

“Knowing without doing is like plowing without sowing.”

“People are never too busy to tell you all that they have to do. ”

“Love is the irresistible desire to be desired irresistibly.”

“My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.”

“Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.”

“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

“Do’s and don’ts influence wills and won’ts.”

“Refusing to have an opinion is a way of having one.”

“Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.”

Dwight Schrute Quotes #2

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* Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
* A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.
* I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War Two veteran killed twenty men and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.
* Yes I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma!” in the 7th grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids so they made up roles like that. I was good.
* As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out . . . she was. With a couple of guys, actually. . . so . Mystery solved.
* Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
* I like the people that I work with, generally. With four exceptions.
* And I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.
* When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is.. “Something Weird Is Going On…colon…What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story…by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.”
* He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose. The meat has a delicious smoky rich flavor. Plus, you can use the molten goose grease and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
* As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of it’s misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical.
* I signed up for Second Life about a year ago. Back then, my life was so great that I literally wanted a second one. Absolutely everything was the same…except I could fly.
* Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision.
* I am not a security threat, and my middle name is Kurt, not Fart.
* Can we steer away from gay people? I’m sorry it’s an orientation not a race. Plus, a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, sooo paradox..
* D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific
* People say, oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace. Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose
* I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.
* Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
* In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, your dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, your dead!
* Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything the people on television tell you.
* I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You’re gonna get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
* Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague…
* A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
* [indicating his purple belt] This is not a toy, this is a message to the entire office so that everyone can see I can physically dominate them.
* Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet so fine call me a Sasquatch!

Dwight Schrute Quotes

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* When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
* I am faster than 80% of all snakes.
* I don’t care what Jim says, that is not Benjamin Franklin. I am 99% sure.
* I don’t believe you, continue.
* Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
* When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
* The eyes are the groin of the head.
* My feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man
* Before I do anything I ask myself “Would an idiot do that?” And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
* You know whats better than a triceratops. Only every other dinosaur that has ever existed.
* Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things.
* There are 40 rules all Schrute boys must learn by age 5. Rule #17- There are 3 things you never turn your back on- bears, men you have wronged, and a dominant male turkey during mating season
* I train my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.
* Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most.
* How would I describe myself? Three words: hard working, alpha male, jackhammer…merciless…insatiable…
* I am fast. To give you a reference point I am somewhere between a snake and a mongoose…and a panther.
* The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
* I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching.
* Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Funny Life Sayings

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“Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid doing entirely.” – Anonymous

“Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.” – Anonymous

“It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.” – Anonymous

“Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.” – Anonymous

“When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Anonymous

“When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.” – Anonymous

“Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.” – Anonymous

“You can’t have everything….where would you put it?” – Anonymous

“If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.” – Anonymous

“An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!” – Anonymous

Funny Life Quotes

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“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen

“For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” – Clifton Fadiman

“Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” – Lou Erickso

“Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.” – William Shakespeare

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.” – Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

“Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he’s talking about.” – Sam Ewing

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.” – Charles Schulz

Funny Alcohol Quotes

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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? – Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. – William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. – Henry Lawson

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Unknown

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Kinky Friedman

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. – George Best

Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. – Brendan Behan

I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. – Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I drink to make other people interesting. – Unknown

Funny Quotes

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– “It ain’t over till it’s over.” – Yogi Berra

– “We the willing, following the unknowing are doing the impossible. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now able to do anything with nothing” – Unknown

– “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams

– “Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire

– “To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.” – Murphy’s Laws

– “If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.” – Murphy’s Laws

– “If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.” – Murphy’s Laws

– “When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!” – Murphy’s Laws

– “This is like deja vu all over again.” – Yogi Berra

– “Nothing is as easy as it looks.” – Murphy’s First Law

– “Everything takes longer than you think.” – Murphy’s Second Law

– “In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” – Murphy’s Third Law

– “If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.” – Murphy’s Fourth Law

– “If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.” – Murphy’s Fifth Law

– “If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.” – Murphy’s Sixth Law

– “Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Seventh Law

– “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Eighth Law

– “Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.” – Murphy’s Ninth Law

– “Mother Nature is a “son-of-a-gun.”” – Murphy’s Tenth Law

– “It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so very ingenious.” – Murphy’s Eleventh Law

– “Things get worse under pressure.” – Murphy’s Twelfth Law

5 Funny Quotes for Today

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1. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

2. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

3. “Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical” – Yogi Berra

4. “I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up” – Barbara Bush

5. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC