– “Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.” – Rita Rudner
– “My wife was too beautiful for words – but not for arguments.” – John Barrymore
– “I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, fine.” – Barry Goldwater
– “A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.” – Anonymous
– “I was showing early symptoms of becoming a professional baseball man. I was lying to the press.” – Roger Kahn
– “A man’s go to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.” – Rhonda Hansome
– “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
– “Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.” – Miguel de Unamuno
– “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.” – Anonymous
– “All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott
– “Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.” – Paula Poundstone
– “Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source.” – Ron Nesen
– “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have on something they don’t need.” – Will Rogers
– “Don’t forget Mother’s Day… or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.” – Jay Leno
– “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins
– “If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?” – Tom Snyder
– “Things hurt me now. My knees hurt, my back hurts. But your head still thinks it’s twenty-three.” – George Clooney
– “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” – Benjamin Franklin
– “Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.” – Anonymous
– “You better live every day like it’s your last day, because one day you’re going to be right.” – Ray Charles
– “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner
