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Funny Quotes

Funny Short Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

funny short quotesA verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

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Famous Quotes

Funny Love Quotes

Let’s make our day better with some wonderful funny love quotes.

“A light heart lives long.” – William Shakespeare

“Never go to bed mad — stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller

“To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” – H.L. Mencken

“Once you have loved someone, you’d do anything in the world for them… except love them again.” – Anonymous

“Love is like war: Easy to begin but hard to end.” – Anonymous

“Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.” – Mirabeau

“Three things can’t be hidden: coughing, poverty, and love.” – Yiddish proverb

“The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed.” – Chamfort

“I detest ‘love lyrics.’ I think one of the causes of bad mental health in the United States is that people have been raised on ‘love lyrics.” – Frank Zappa

“You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” – Dolly Parton

“I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“A woman might as well propose: her husband will claim she did.” – Edgar Watson Howe

“I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s eighth husband on her wedding night: I know what I’m supposed to do…I just have to figure out a way to make it interesting.” – many attributions

“No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.” – unknown

“An old man who marries a young wife grows younger – but she grows older.” – folk saying

“It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.” – Anonymous

“What female heart can despise gold?” – Thomas Gray

“A lady of 47 who has been married 27 years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: ‘Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.'” – James Thurber

“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

“We cannot really love anybody without whom we never laugh.” – Alice Reppler

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Funny Quotes

Funny Sarcastic Quotes

“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.” – A. B. Evans

“You don’t say civilization don’t advance – for every war they kill you a new way.” – Will Rogers

“The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.” – Colin Jarman

“Critics are the stupid who discuss the wise.” – Anonymous

“A critic is a man who writes about things he doesn’t like” – Anonymous

“I love criticism just as long as it’s unqualified praise.” – Noel Coward

“A critic is a man created to praise greater men than himself, but he is never able to find them.” – Richard Le Gallienne

“The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.” – Oscar Wilde

“When an opera singer sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.” – Victor Borge

“The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.” – Roseanne Arnold

“The power with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech.” – George Bernard Shaw

“I know she is outspoken, but by who?” – Dorothy Parker

“You don’t know a woman, until you’ve met her in court.” – Norman Mailer

“Women are like elephants to me; they’re nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” – W.C. Fields

“Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friends.” – Marcel Achard

“A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.” – Anonymous

“Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.”- Charlotte Whitton

“A man’s love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Adam came first, but men always do.” – Anonymous

“If they can put one man on the moon, why can’t they put them all there?” – Anonymous

“Women have their faults. Men have only two: Everything they say. Everything they do.” – Anonymous

“Japanese are extremely good imitators and they so polite, they even copy the mistakes.” – Earl Scrugge

“If you’re gong to Paris you would do well to remember this: no matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.” – Fran Lebowits

Categories
Cute Quotes Love Quotes

Cute Love Quotes

“Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship – never.” – Charles Caleb Colton

“Love is the only game never postponed due to darkness.” – Unknown

“We were both in love with him. I fell out of love with him, but he didn’t.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find.” – Anonymous

“Distance between two hearts is not an obstacle… rather a beautiful reminder of just how strong true love can be.” – Anonymous

“Love builds bridges where there are none.” – R. H. Delaney

“When you are in Love you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

“It is impossible to love and be wise.” – Francis Bacon

“Some of the greater things in life are unseen that is why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream…” – Anonymous

“A boy is a magical creature, you can lock him out of your workshop, but you can’t lock him out of your heart. You can get him out of your study, but you can’t get him out of your mind.” – Alan Beck

“If I has to choose between loving you, and breathing. I would use my last breath to say I love you.” – Anonymous

“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” – Mae West

“Love is like swallowing hot chocolate before it has cooled off. It takes you by surprise at first, but keeps you warm for a long time.” – Anonymous

“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.” – George Sand

“Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination. ” – Voltaire

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Love Quotes

Sarcastic Sayings About Love – Murphy’s Laws

“All the good ones are taken.”

“If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason.”

“Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
This constant is always zero.” – Van Den Bossche Jochen

“Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.”

“The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.”

“The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.”

“Virginity can be cured.”

“Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.”

“Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.”

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Romance has been elegantly defined as the offspring of fiction and love.” – Benjamin Disraeli