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Tag: Emo Philips

Humor Quotes

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I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. – Edward Albee

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. – Frank Howard Clark

If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. – Mohandas Gandhi

If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor. – Jennifer Jones

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. – Francis Bacon

In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge. – George Herbert

Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. – Langston Hughes

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

Nothing is so galling to a people not broken in from the birth as a paternal, or in other words a meddling government, a government which tells them what to read and say and eat and drink and wear. – Thomas W. Higginson

One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you. – Larry Gelbart

Puns are a form of humor with words. – Guillermo Cabrera Infante

humor quotesStart every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense. – Jacob August Riis

The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. – Peter De Vries

The secret to humor is surprise. – Aristotle

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God. – Bill Cosby

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor. – Thomas W. Higginson

There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them. – Robert Benchley

This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought. – Lin Yutang

What a strange world this would be if we all had the same sense of humor. – Bern Williams

Funny Quotes

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If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Computers Quotes

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– “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

– “Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry. He decides who’s going to build.” – Larry Ellison

– “Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.” – Edsger Dijkstra

– “Computers are magnificent tools for the realization of our dreams, but no machine can replace the human spark of spirit, compassion, love, and understanding.” – Louis Gerstner

– “Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” – Pablo Picasso

– “Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.” – Andy Rooney

– “Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living.” – Nicholas Negroponte

– “Data is not information, information is not knowledge, knowledge is not understanding, understanding is not wisdom.” – Clifford Stoll

– “Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.” – Doug Larson

– “I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.” –
Dave Barry

– “I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.” – Isaac Asimov

– “I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We’ve created life in our own image.” – Stephen Hawking

– “I think it’s fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we’ve ever created. They’re tools of communication, they’re tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user.” – Bill Gates

– “Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.” – Steve Wozniak

– “Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.” – Isaac Asimov

– “People think computers will keep them from making mistakes. They’re wrong. With computers you make mistakes faster.” – Adam Osborne

– “Supercomputers will achieve one human brain capacity by 2010, and personal computers will do so by about 2020.” – Ray Kurzweil

– “The computer is a moron.” – Peter Drucker

– “The digital revolution is far more significant than the invention of writing or even of printing.” – Douglas Engelbart

– “The good news about computers is that they do what you tell them to do. The bad news is that they do what you tell them to do.” – Ted Nelson