Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Funny Quotes

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If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes

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– “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan

– “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London

– “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

– “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty

– “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

– “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers

– “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

– “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben

– “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

– “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

– “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw

– “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

– “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland

– “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

– “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford

– “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler

– “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase

– “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres