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Tag: Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving Quotes

The Pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts. No Americans have been more impoverished than these who, nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving. ~H.U. Westermayer

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice. ~Meister Eckhart

Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude. ~E.P. Powell

So once in every year we throng
Upon a day apart,
To praise the Lord with feast and song
In thankfulness of heart.
~Arthur Guiterman, The First Thanksgiving

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Remember God’s bounty in the year. String the pearls of His favor. Hide the dark parts, except so far as they are breaking out in light! Give this one day to thanks, to joy, to gratitude! ~Henry Ward Beecher

Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow. ~Edward Sandford Martin

Our rural ancestors, with little blest,
Patient of labour when the end was rest,
Indulged the day that housed their annual grain,
With feasts, and off’rings, and a thankful strain.
~Alexander Pope

thanksgiving quotesWhat we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving? ~Erma Bombeck, “No One Diets on Thanksgiving,” 26 November 1981

Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action. ~W.J. Cameron

He who thanks but with the lips
Thanks but in part;
The full, the true Thanksgiving
Comes from the heart. ~J.A. Shedd

Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day. ~Robert Caspar Lintner

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~Erma Bombeck

Halloween Quotes

In this scary night, please enjoy some great halloween quotes selected just for you.

I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. – Author Unknown

As spirits roam the neighborhoods at night,
Let loose upon the Earth till it be light… – Nicholas Gordon

Eat, drink and be scary. – Author Unknown

Pixie, kobold, elf, and sprite,
All are on their rounds tonight;
In the wan moon’s silver ray,
Thrives their helter-skelter play. – Joel Benton

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. – Erma Bombeck

Witch and ghost make merry on this last of dear October’s days. – Author Unknown

halloween quotesHalloween wraps fear in innocence,
As though it were a slightly sour sweet.
Let terror, then, be turned into a treat… – Nicholas Gordon

Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. – Steve Almond

Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the “spirits” of things. – Dee Snider

At first cock-crow the ghosts must go
Back to their quiet graves below. – Theodosia Garrison

‘Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world. – William Shakespeare

Hold on, man. We don’t go anywhere with “scary,” “spooky,” “haunted,” or “forbidden” in the title. – Scooby-Doo

Back to School Quotes

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. ~Edgar W. Howe

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you. ~Erma Bombeck

Labor Day is a glorious holiday because your child will be going back to school the next day. It would have been called Independence Day, but that name was already taken. ~Bill Dodds

The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows. ~Sydney J. Harris

You send your child to the schoolmaster, but ’tis the schoolboys who educate him. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Holidays are enticing only for the first week or so. After that, it is no longer such a novelty to rise late and have little to do. ~Margaret Laurence

The simplest schoolboy is now familiar with truths for which Archimedes would have given his life. ~Ernest Renan, Souvenirs d’enfance et de jeunesse, 1883

Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself. ~John Dewey

The object of education is to prepare the young to educate themselves throughout their lives. ~Robert Maynard Hutchins

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. ~Author Unknown

I like a teacher who gives you something to take home to think about besides homework. ~Lily Tomlin as “Edith Ann”

back to schoolThe best teachers teach from the heart, not from the book. ~Author Unknown

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. ~Author Unknown

There are three good reasons to be a teacher – June, July, and August. ~Author Unknown

The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of wonder. ~Ralph W. Sockman

What we want is to see the child in pursuit of knowledge, and not knowledge in pursuit of the child. ~George Bernard Shaw

The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. ~Aristotle

A professor is someone who talks in someone else’s sleep. ~W.H. Auden

An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. ~Author Unknown, commonly attributed to Benjamin Franklin

A cross-eyed teacher can keep twice the number of children in order than any other, because the pupils do not know who she’s looking at. ~Four Hundred Laughs: Or, Fun Without Vulgarity, compiled and edited by John R. Kemble, 1902

Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed. ~Robert Gallagher

It doesn’t make much difference what you study, as long as you don’t like it. ~Finley Peter Dunne

You can get all A’s and still flunk life. ~Walker Percy

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. ~Albert Einstein

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. ~Attributed to both Andy McIntyre and Derek Bok

Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army. ~Edward Everett

He who opens a school door, closes a prison. ~Victor Hugo

Moving On Quotes

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… it means moving on. – Anonymous

My Mama always said you’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on. – the movie Forrest Gump

It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things. – Theodore Roosevelt

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. – Albert Einstein

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein

Forgive yourself for your faults and your mistakes and move on. – Les Brown

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. – Bob Newhart

We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. – Walt Disney

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, Begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it, Begin it now. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit. – Conrad Hilton

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. – Anonymous

You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on. – Oprah Winfrey

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. – Helen Keller

Before moving on, you have to clear away your cherished beliefs. – Dick Raymond

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain. – Vivian Greene

Part of being a winner is knowing when enough is enough. Sometimes you have to give up the fight and walk away, and move on to something that’s more productive. – Donald Trump

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. – John F. Kennedy

moving on quotesYou have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. – Winston Churchill

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. – Reinhold Niebuhr

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… it means moving on. – Anonymous

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. – Lao Tzu

People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what’s bitter and move on. – Bill Cosby

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. – Hermann Hesse

It is our choices … that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. – J. K. Rowling (Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets)

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. – Eleanor Roosevelt

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. – C. S. Lewis

Every wall is a door. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom. – Rabindranath Tagore

Love one another but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. – Khalil Gibran

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Forget love… I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Anonymous

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

Quotes on Humor

“Laugh as much as possible, always laugh. It’s the sweetest thing one can do for oneself & one’s fellow human beings.” – Maya Angelou

“A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.” – Barbara Walters

“He who laughs, lasts.” – Mary Pettibone Poole

“A good laugh overcomes more difficulties and dissipates more dark clouds than any other one thing.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

“There is nothing like a gleam of humor to reassure you that a fellow human being is ticking inside a strange face.” – Eva Hoffman

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” – Bill Cosby

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” – Henry Ward Beecher

“It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously.” – Oscar Wilde

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.” – Erma Bombeck

“A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” – Hugh Sidey

“A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.” – Frank A. Clark

“No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Funny Quotes“Comedy is acting out optimism.” – Robin Williams

“A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.” – William Arthur Ward

“Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.” – Allen Klein

“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” – Mel Brooks

“Humor is laughing at what you haven’t got when you ought to have it.” – Langston Hughes

“Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs.” – Christopher Morley

“If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.” – Jennifer Jones

“Humor is something that thrives between man’s aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.” – Victor Borge

“Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.” – Leo Rosten

“Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you.” – Langston Hughes

“Next to power without honor, the most dangerous thing in the world is power without humor.” – Eric Sevareid

“The more I live, the more I think that humor is the saving sense.” – Jacob August Riis

Funny Quotes About Parents

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“There are two things that a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and its mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.” – Woody Allen

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby

“Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.” – Peter Ustinov

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.” – Yogi Berra

“The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” – Jim Morrison

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

funny quotes about parents“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.” – Dick Cavett

“That’s sort of a cliché about parents. We all believe that our children are the most beautiful children in the world. But the thing is, what no one really talks about is the fact that we all really believe it.” – Heather Armstrong

“My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.” – Peter De Vries

“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better is asking for it.” – Erma Bombeck

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Call me Jonah. My parents did, or nearly did. They called me John.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.” – Leo Buscaglia

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” – John Locke

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” – Mark Twain

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.” – Ogden Nash

“My parents are my backbone. Still are. They’re the only group that will support you if you score zero or you score 40.” – Kobe Bryant

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” – Dave Barry

“Tyranny or slavery, born of selfishness, are the two educational methods of parents; all gradations of tyranny or slavery.” – Franz Kafka

“The best part about being friends with your parents is that no matter what you do, they have to keep loving you.” – Natalie Portman

Funny Quotes

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat. – Erma Bombeck

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. – Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld

Funny QuotesA word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. – Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly. – E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. – P. J. O’Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

Funny Christmas Quotes

“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno

“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Anonymous

“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning

“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Anonymous

“Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.” – John Cleese, “Mony Python”

“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck

Funny Humorous and Love Quotes

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. – Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

Pain Quotes

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. – Buddha

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again. – Maya Angelou

Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things. – Winston Churchill

How much pain they have cost us, the evils which have never happened. – Thomas Jefferson

God is a concept by which we measure our pain. – John Lennon

One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. – Bob Marley

My definition of success is to live your life in a way that causes you to feel a ton of pleasure and very little pain – and because of your lifestyle, have the people around you feel a lot more pleasure than they do pain. – Tony Robbins

The secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you. If you do that, you’re in control of your life. If you don’t, life controls you. – Tony Robbins

The truth is that we can learn to condition our minds, bodies, and emotions to link pain or pleasure to whatever we choose. By changing what we link pain and pleasure to, we will instantly change our behaviors. – Tony Robbins

The aim of the wise is not to secure pleasure, but to avoid pain. – Aristotle

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil. – Aristotle

Punk is musical freedom. It’s saying, doing and playing what you want. In Webster’s terms, ‘nirvana’ means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world, and that’s pretty close to my definition of Punk Rock. – Kurt Cobain

There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life’s sores the better. – Oscar Wilde

I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage. – Friedrich Nietzsche

People fear death even more than pain. It’s strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah, I guess it is a friend. – Jim Morrison

We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict. – Jim Morrison

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. – Erma Bombeck

Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces. – Sigmund Freud

It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience. – Julius Caesar

The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain. – Karl Marx

A pain stabbed my heart as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world. – Jack Kerouac

There is no detachment where there is no pain. And there is no pain endured without hatred or lying unless detachment is present too. – Simone Weil

Evil being the root of mystery, pain is the root of knowledge.  –  Simone Weil

I was always a great bundle of energy. As a child, instead of walking, I would run. And so running, which is a pain to a lot of people, was always a pleasure to me because it was so easy. – Roger Bannister

You get very tired, and there was a certain amount of pain and you slow up. Your legs are so tired that you are in fact slowing. If you don’t keep running, keep your blood circulating, the muscles stop pumping the blood back and you get dizzy. – Roger Bannister

The least pain in our little finger gives us more concern and uneasiness than the destruction of millions of our fellow-beings. – William Hazlitt

The smallest pain in our little finger gives us more concern than the destruction of millions of our fellow beings. – William Hazlitt

Grace is the absence of everything that indicates pain or difficulty, hesitation or incongruity. – William Hazlitt

The worst pain a man can suffer: to have insight into much and power over nothing. – Herodotus

Many men are deeply moved by the mere semblance of suffering in a woman; they take the look of pain for a sign of constancy or of love. – Honore De Balzac

It’s odd that you can get so anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don’t quite fully share the hell of someone close to you. – Lady Bird Johnson

You dont have to hold on to the pain, to hold on to the memory. – Janet Jackson

To give pain is the tyranny; to make happy, the true empire of beauty. – Samuel Butler

For these cultures, getting rid of the pain without addressing the deeper cause would be like shutting off a fire alarm while the fire’s still going. – David Foster Wallace

Whether they run a record company or a grocery store, every boss will tell you you’re in big trouble if you’re borrowing more than you can ever afford to pay back. Delaying the pain for future generations is suicidal. We’ve got to start getting the deficit down right now, not next year. – Simon Cowell

I’m a pain in the ass to all of the costume designers with whom I work because I have very strong feelings about the subject. – Meryl Streep

I believe musicians have a duty, a responsibility to reach out, to share your love or pain with others. – James Taylor

We all have to face pain, and pain makes us grow. – James Taylor

The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain. – Jennifer Aniston

I almost resent the whole fashion thing. Good God- never wearing the same thing twice and all of those things. It’s a pain in the ass. – Jennifer Aniston