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Funny Quotes

- "My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic." - Spike Milligan - "My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings." - Jay London - "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." - Ellen DeGeneres - "My inner child is not wounded." - Shannen Doherty - "My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." - Mike Myers - "Never fight an inanimate object." - P. J. O'Rourke - "Never floss with a stranger." - Joan Rivers - "Never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck - "Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected." - Robert Orben - "Never wear anything that panics the cat." - P. J. O'Rourke - "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public." - H. L. Mencken - "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet." - Saint Augustine - "Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food." - George Bernard Shaw - "Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get." - Robert Orben - "One man's folly is another man's wife." - Helen Rowland - "Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." - Laurence J. Peter - "Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf." - Lewis Mumford - "Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children." - Samuel Butler - "Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish." - Chevy Chase - "People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant." - Ellen DeGeneres