Clever Quotes

Funny Clever Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. – W. C. Fields

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

Too clever is dumb.- Ogden Nash

Clever Quotes on Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. – Benjamin Franklin

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. – John Lennon

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Anonymous

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition. – Jalal al-Din Rumi

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. Heinlein

A clever man commits no minor blunders. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Quotes about Life

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it. – Israel Zangwill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. – Albert Einstein

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. – John Peel

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

If you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson, but…

Clever Quotes for Facebook

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H. L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Sayings for Facebook

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. – Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. – Mae West

Clever Sayings

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. – Tom Lehrer

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. – Will Rogers

Clever Phrases

To the best of my knowledge the following clever phrases are all anonymous. Come to think of it, would anyone really admit to writing any of these clever phrases?

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I love my attitude problem.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.

Half the people you know are below average.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Clever Sayings and Quotes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less. – Lily Tomlin

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. – Oscar Wilde

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. – Oscar Wilde

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. – Oscar Wilde

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. – Oscar Wilde

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain