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Funny Quotes About Parents

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“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“There are two things that a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and its mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.” – Woody Allen

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby

“Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.” – Peter Ustinov

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.” – Yogi Berra

“The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” – Jim Morrison

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

funny quotes about parents“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.” – Dick Cavett

“That’s sort of a cliché about parents. We all believe that our children are the most beautiful children in the world. But the thing is, what no one really talks about is the fact that we all really believe it.” – Heather Armstrong

“My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.” – Peter De Vries

“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better is asking for it.” – Erma Bombeck

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Call me Jonah. My parents did, or nearly did. They called me John.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.” – Leo Buscaglia

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” – John Locke

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” – Mark Twain

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.” – Ogden Nash

“My parents are my backbone. Still are. They’re the only group that will support you if you score zero or you score 40.” – Kobe Bryant

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” – Dave Barry

“Tyranny or slavery, born of selfishness, are the two educational methods of parents; all gradations of tyranny or slavery.” – Franz Kafka

“The best part about being friends with your parents is that no matter what you do, they have to keep loving you.” – Natalie Portman

Spring Quotes

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Springtime is the land awakening. The March winds are the morning yawn. ~ Lewis Grizzard in Kathy Sue Loudermilk, I Love You

Spring is nature’s way of saying, “Let’s party!” ~Robin Williams

Spring makes its own statement, so loud and clear that the gardener seems to be only one of the instruments, not the composer. ~Geoffrey B. Charlesworth

April prepares her green traffic light and the world thinks Go. ~Christopher Morley, John Mistletoe

Hee that is in a towne in May loseth his spring. ~George Herbert

It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade. ~Charles Dickens

Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke

It’s spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you’ve got it, you want – oh, you don’t quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

Hoe while it is spring, and enjoy the best anticipations. It is not much matter if things do not turn out well. ~Charles Dudley Warner

Awake, thou wintry earth –
Fling off thy sadness!
Fair vernal flowers, laugh forth
Your ancient gladness! ~Thomas Blackburn, “An Easter Hymn”

I love spring anywhere, but if I could choose I would always greet it in a garden. ~Ruth Stout

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush. ~Doug Larson

Science has never drummed up quite as effective a tranquilizing agent as a sunny spring day. ~W. Earl Hall

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. ~Anne Bradstreet

The year’s at the spring
And day’s at the morn;
Morning’s at seven;
The hillside’s dew-pearled;
The lark’s on the wing;
The snail’s on the thorn;
God’s in His heaven –
All’s right with the world! ~Robert Browning

No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn. ~Hal Borland

Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world. ~Virgil A. Kraft

April is a promise that May is bound to keep. ~Hal Borland

Where man sees but withered leaves,
God sees sweet flowers growing. ~Albert Laighton

That God once loved a garden we learn in Holy writ.
And seeing gardens in the Spring I well can credit it. ~Winifred Mary Letts

In June as many as a dozen species may burst their buds on a single day. No man can heed all of these anniversaries; no man can ignore all of them. ~Aldo Leopold

In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt. ~Margaret Atwood

Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year. ~Ogden Nash

Every spring is the only spring – a perpetual astonishment. ~Ellis Peters

Valentine’s Day Quotes

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Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone! Today is a special day for all lovers around the world, and we gonna celebrate it in our own way, with a great list of valentine’s day quotes. Enjoy :)

Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine! ~Thomas Hood

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Many are the starrs I see, but in my eye no starr like thee. ~English saying used on poesy rings

Loving is not just looking at each other, it’s looking in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wind, Sand, and Stars, 1939

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein

I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. ~Author Unknown

For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. ~Rosemonde Gerard

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. ~Author Unknown

Love – a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown

I claim there ain’t
Another Saint
As great as Valentine. ~Ogden Nash

Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever. ~Author Unknown

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. ~Author Unknown

A hundred hearts would be too few
To carry all my love for you. ~Author Unknown

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, “Outside the Dog Museum”

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~Author Unknown

Must, bid the Morn awake!
Sad Winter now declines,
Each bird doth choose a mate;
This day’s Saint Valentine’s.
For that good bishop’s sake
Get up and let us see
What beauty it shall be
That Fortune us assigns. ~Michael Drayton

Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs. ~William Shakespeare

kisses are a better fate than wisdom. ~e.e. cummings

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? ~Author Unknown

Who, being loved, is poor? ~Oscar Wilde

In melody divine,
My heart it beats to rapturous love,
I long to call you mine. ~Author Unknown

Grow old with me! The best is yet to be. ~Robert Browning

Without love, what are we worth? Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. ~M*A*S*H, Hawkeye

The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough. ~George Moore

We loved with a love that was more than love. ~Edgar Allan Poe

Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat. ~Ben Hecht

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. ~Henry Van Dyke

Are we not like two volumes of one book? ~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

A bell is no bell ’til you ring it,
A song is no song ’til you sing it,
And love in your heart
Wasn’t put there to stay –
Love isn’t love
‘Til you give it away. ~Oscar Hammerstein, Sound of Music, “You Are Sixteen (Reprise)”

I’ve fallen in love many times… always with you. ~Author Unknown

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975

What I need to live has been given to me by the earth. Why I need to live has been given to me by you. ~Author Unknown

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach. ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

When you’re in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks. ~Natalie Clifford Barney

Take away love and our earth is a tomb. ~Robert Browning

Clever Quotes

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Funny Clever Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. – W. C. Fields

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

Too clever is dumb.- Ogden Nash

Clever Quotes on Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. – Benjamin Franklin

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. – John Lennon

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Anonymous

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition. – Jalal al-Din Rumi

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. Heinlein

A clever man commits no minor blunders. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Quotes about Life

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it. – Israel Zangwill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. – Albert Einstein

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. – John Peel

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

If you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson, but…

Clever Quotes for Facebook

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H. L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Sayings for Facebook

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. – Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. – Mae West

Clever Sayings

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. – Tom Lehrer

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. – Will Rogers

Clever Phrases

To the best of my knowledge the following clever phrases are all anonymous. Come to think of it, would anyone really admit to writing any of these clever phrases?

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I love my attitude problem.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.

Half the people you know are below average.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Clever Sayings and Quotes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less. – Lily Tomlin

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. – Oscar Wilde

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. – Oscar Wilde

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. – Oscar Wilde

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. – Oscar Wilde

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Aging Quotes #2

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# Give me a young man in whom there is something of the old,
and an old man in whom there is something of the young.
Guided so, a man may grow old in body, but never in mind. – Marcus Tillius Cicero

# The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. – Madeleine L’Engle (The New York Times, 1985)

# How confusing the beams from memory’s lamp are;
One day a bachelor, the next a grampa.
What is the secret of the trick?
How did I get so old so quick? – Ogden Nash (“Preface to the Past” You Can’t Get There from Here)

# I believe the second half of one’s life is meant to be better than the first half. The first half is finding out how you do it. And the second half is enjoying it. – Frances Lear

# I look forward to being older, when what you look like becomes less and less an issue and what you are is the point. – Susan Sarandon

# I suppose real old age begins when one looks backward rather than forward. – Mary Sarton (May Sarton: Excerpts from a Life)

# I think that, for all of us, as we grow older, we must discipline ourselves to continue expanding, broadening, learning, keeping our minds active and open. – Clint Eastwood

# I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had. – Margaret Mead

# If wrinkles must be written upon our brows, let them not be written upon the heart. The spirit should never grow old. – James A. Garfield

# If you don’t learn to laugh at troubles, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you grow old. – Ed Howe

# If you wait, all that happens is that you get older. – Larry McMurty

# In old age there is a coming into flower. My body wanes; my mind waxes. – Victor Hugo

# Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything. – Kurt Vonnegut

# My after forty face felt far more comfortable than anything I lived with previously. Self-confidence was a powerful beauty-potion; I looked better because I felt better. Failure and grief as well as success and love had served me well. Finally, I was tapping into that most hard-won of your dews: wisdom. – Nancy Collins

# Never retire. Michelangelo was carving the Rondanini just before he died at 89. Verdi finished his opera Falstaff at 80. And the 80-year -old Spanish artist Goya scrawled on a drawing, “I am still learning.” – Dr. W. Gifford-Jones