Categories
Famous Quotes Funny Quotes

20 Humor Quotes

1. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. —Joe Martin

2. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. —Ambrose Bierce

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Noel Coward

4. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. —Will Rogers

5. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. —George Burns

6. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx

7. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.—Groucho Marx

8. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. —Sam Levenson

9. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. —Unknown Author

10. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. —Calvin Trillin

11. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. —David Richerby

12. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. —Garry Shandling

13. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. —Jack Benny

14. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. —Lily Tomlin

15. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks

16. If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect. —Ted Turner

17. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. —Henny Youngman

18. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. —Groucho Marx

19. Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. —Douglas Hofstadter

20. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. —Franklin P. Jones

Categories
Best Quotes Famous People Quotes Famous Quotes

Best Quotes by Famous People

Give me a museum and I’ll fill it. – Pablo Picasso

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former – Albert Einstein

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed. – George Burns

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. – Napoleon Bonaparte

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. – Voltaire

Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance. –Samuel Johnson

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. – Thomas Alva Edison

give me a museum and i'll fill itA friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship. – John D. Rockefeller

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit. – Aristotle

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. – Albert Einstein

In any situation, the best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing. – Theodore Roosevelt

“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on. – Robert Frost

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. – Seneca

Behind every great fortune there is a crime. – Honore de Balzac

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning – Aristotle Onassis

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. – M.K. Gandhi

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. – Mark Twain

“The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.” – Gloria Leonard

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. – Frank Lloyd Wright

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.- Mark Twain

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. – Aristotle

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say i- Voltaire

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. – Napoleon Bonaparte

Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance. – Samuel Johnson

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. – Mother Teresa

The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that’s the essence of inhumanity. – G.B. Shaw

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. – Napoleon Bonaparte

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. – Will Durant

On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Categories
Funny Quotes

Funny Short Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

funny short quotesA verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

Categories
Motivational Quotes

Fitness Motivational Quotes

1. Strive for progress, not perfection. –Unknown

2. You want me to do something… tell me I can’t do it. –Maya Angelou

3. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. –Wayne Gretzky

4. If you don’t make mistakes, you aren’t really trying. –Unknown

5. You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted. –Ruth E. Renkl

6. Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. –Mahatma Gandhi

7. Motivation will almost always beat mere talent. –Norman R. Augustine

8. I’d rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate. –George Burns

9. Energy and persistence conquer all things. –Benjamin Franklin

10. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

fitness motivational quotes11. No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. –Aesop

12. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. –Albert Einstein

13. Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it. –Lou Holtz

14. Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. –Jim Ryan

15. I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. –Michael Jordan

16. Fear is what stops you… courages is what keeps you going. –Unknown

17. The finish line is just the beginning of a whole new race. –Unknown

18. The difference between a goal and a dream is a deadline. –Steve Smith

19. Just do it.™ –Nike

20. In seeking happiness for others, you find it for yourself. –Anonymous

21. The secret of getting ahead is getting started. –Mark Twain

22. It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not. –Anonymous

23. Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity. –Oprah Winfrey

24. It’s never too late to become what you might have been. –George Elliot

25. Clear your mind of can’t. –Samuel Johnso

Categories
Famous Quotes

Famous People Quotes #2

“The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.” – John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

“I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.” – E. E. Cummings (1894-1962)

“Give me a museum and I’ll fill it.” – Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

“Assassins!” – Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra

“I’ll moider da bum.” – Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

“In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.” – Yogi Berra

“I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.” – Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

“Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.” – Rene Descartes (1596-1650), “Discours de la Methode”

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” – Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

“Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.” – Henry Ford (1863-1947)

“Do, or do not. There is no ‘try’.” – Yoda (‘The Empire Strikes Back’)

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” – Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

“Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.” – George Burns (1896-1996)

“I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.” – Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

“There are no facts, only interpretations.” – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” – Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

“The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.” – Edsgar Dijkstra (1930-2002)

“C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.” – Bjarne Stroustrup

“A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.” – Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

“Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by fighting back.” – Paul Erdos (1913-1996)

Categories
Cute Quotes

Cute Quotes for Girls about Boys

If I have a monument in this world, it is my son. – Maya Angelou

The sweetest roamer is a boy’s young heart. – George Edward Woodberry

Boys do not grow up gradually. They move forward in spurts like the hands of clocks in railway stations. – Cyril Connolly

Of all the animals, the boy is most unmanageable. – Plato

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. – Robert Frost

When I grow up I want to be a little boy. – Joseph Heller

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. – George Burns

Categories
Motivational Quotes

Motivational Career Change Quotes

Never work just for money or for power. They won’t save your soul or help you sleep at night. – Marian Wright Edelman

The best work never was and never will be done for money. – John Ruskin

My father always told me, ‘Find a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. – Jim Fox

For many people a job is more than an income – it’s an important part of who we are. So a career transition of any sort is one of the most unsettling experiences you can face in your life. – Paul Clitheroe

If you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work. – Kahlil Gibran

If you do not feel yourself growing in your work and your life broadening and deepening, if your task is not a perpetual tonic to you, you have not found your place. – Orison Swett Marden

A sobering thought: What if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? – Jane Wagner

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else. – James Matthew Barrie

Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything. – Napoleon Hill

It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to. – Annie Gottlier

Choose your love, love your choice. – Thomas S. Monson

What is it that you like doing? If you don’t like it, get out of it, because you’ll be lousy at it. – Lee Iacocca

In doing something, do it with love or never do it at all – Mahatma Ghandi

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate. – George Burns

I’d rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. – Robert H. Schuller

Categories
Cute Quotes Funny Quotes

Funny Cute Quotes

– “Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere.” – George Burns

– “If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance.” – United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

– “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson

– “History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” – Winston Churchill

– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

– “I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

– “Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.” – Joan Rivers

– “Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?” – Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

– “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” – Rita Mae Brown

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Globol

Categories
Famous Quotes

Clever Quotes

Funny Clever Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

I intend to live forever, or die trying. – Groucho Marx

Familiarity breeds contempt – and children. – Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. – Mel Brooks

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. – W. C. Fields

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know. – Groucho Marx

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to. – W. C. Fields

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. – Mel Brooks

Too clever is dumb.- Ogden Nash

Clever Quotes on Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously. – Oscar Wilde

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do. – Benjamin Franklin

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? – Groucho Marx

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead. – Benjamin Franklin

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. – John Lennon

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Anonymous

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion, bewilderment is intuition. – Jalal al-Din Rumi

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. – Robert A. Heinlein

A clever man commits no minor blunders. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Quotes about Life

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer

Old age is fifteen years older than I am. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it. – Israel Zangwill

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them. – Walter Kerr

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe. – Albert Einstein

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. – John Peel

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! – Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. – Tom Lehrer

If you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs, you’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive. – Mel Brooks

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. – sometimes attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, Eleanor Roosevelt, or Thomas Jefferson, but…

Clever Quotes for Facebook

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? – H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. – H. L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull. – H. L. Mencken

Clever Sayings for Facebook

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. – Benjamin Franklin

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. – Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. – Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache. – Mae West

Clever Sayings

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you. – Tom Lehrer

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth. – Will Rogers

Clever Phrases

To the best of my knowledge the following clever phrases are all anonymous. Come to think of it, would anyone really admit to writing any of these clever phrases?

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I love my attitude problem.

Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.

Join the Army, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them.

When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.

Half the people you know are below average.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Clever Sayings and Quotes

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. – Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

If I had known what it would be like to have it all – I might have been willing to settle for less. – Lily Tomlin

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. – Oscar Wilde

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. – Mark Twain

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. – Oscar Wilde

Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. – Oscar Wilde

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. – Mark Twain

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies. – Oscar Wilde

Honesty is the best policy – when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Categories
Funny Quotes

Funny Family Quotes

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” – Wayne H.

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” – Evan Esar

“Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.” – Anonymous

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins.” – Josh Billings

“Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” – HL Mencken

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Anonymous

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

“My mother didn’t breast feed me. She said she just liked me as a friend.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m going home next week. It’s a kind of energency – my parents are coming here.” – Rita Rudner

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills – while you still know everything.” – John Hinde

“Friends are God’s apology for relations.” – Hugh Kingsmill