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Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

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jerry-seinfeld-banana– “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
– “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
– “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, «See if you can blow this out.»”
– “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
– “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
– “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

– “Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?”

– “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”

– “The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”

– “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

– “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, «Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.»”

– “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”

Steve Martin Humorous Quotes

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steve_martin_photo– “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.” – Steve Martin
– “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
– “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
– “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin

– “A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.” – Steve Martin

– “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on.” – Steve Martin

– “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.” – Steve Martin

– “There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.” – Steve Martin

– “College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.” – Steve Martin

– “We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.” – Steve Martin

Best Funny Quotes from Jim Carrey

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jim-carrey_1– “If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer!” – Jim Carrey
– “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
– “People need motivation to do anything. I don’t think human beings learn anything without desperation. ” – Jim Carrey
– “I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don’t know if it’s possible forever and ever.” – Jim Carrey
– “Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.” – Jim Carrey
– “There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.” – Jim Carrey

– “I think I could go away tomorrow. I’ve already accomplished something. It’s such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.” – Jim Carrey

– “Either you’re the one erasing or you’re the one being erased.” – Jim Carrey

– “I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I’m just trying to create a good one for myself.” – Jim Carrey

– “My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.” – Jim Carrey

– “I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.” – Jim Carrey

– “I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I’d love that. But I don’t need to be. I just want to be here. That’s it.” – Jim Carrey

Stephen Fry Funny Quotes

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stephen-fry– “When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.” – Stephen Fry
– “Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties. ” – Stephen Fry
– “Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.” – Stephen Fry

– “I don’t watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.” – Stephen Fry

– “I could rent a room, paint it black, bolt on a few chains and call it my punishment room, Then have men in posing pouches in the background.” – Stephen Fry

– “An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.” – Stephen Fry

– “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” – Stephen Fry

50 funny quotes

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1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers