Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Funny Women T-Shirt Sayings

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Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is…?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…

Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear.

I’m out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Funny Life Quotes

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“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen

“For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” – Clifton Fadiman

“Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” – Lou Erickso

“Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.” – William Shakespeare

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.” – Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

“Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he’s talking about.” – Sam Ewing

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.” – Charles Schulz

Funny Alcohol Quotes

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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? – Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. – William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. – Henry Lawson

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Unknown

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Kinky Friedman

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. – George Best

Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. – Brendan Behan

I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. – Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I drink to make other people interesting. – Unknown

Funny Quotes

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– “It ain’t over till it’s over.” – Yogi Berra

– “We the willing, following the unknowing are doing the impossible. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now able to do anything with nothing” – Unknown

– “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams

– “Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire

– “To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.” – Murphy’s Laws

– “If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.” – Murphy’s Laws

– “If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.” – Murphy’s Laws

– “When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!” – Murphy’s Laws

– “This is like deja vu all over again.” – Yogi Berra

– “Nothing is as easy as it looks.” – Murphy’s First Law

– “Everything takes longer than you think.” – Murphy’s Second Law

– “In any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.” – Murphy’s Third Law

– “If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong.” – Murphy’s Fourth Law

– “If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway.” – Murphy’s Fifth Law

– “If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.” – Murphy’s Sixth Law

– “Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.” – Murphy’s Seventh Law

– “If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.” – Murphy’s Eighth Law

– “Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.” – Murphy’s Ninth Law

– “Mother Nature is a “son-of-a-gun.”” – Murphy’s Tenth Law

– “It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so very ingenious.” – Murphy’s Eleventh Law

– “Things get worse under pressure.” – Murphy’s Twelfth Law

5 Funny Quotes for Today

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1. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

2. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln

3. “Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical” – Yogi Berra

4. “I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up” – Barbara Bush

5. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” – Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Funny Quotes about Friends

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– “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

– “A true friend stabs you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde

– “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

– “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.” – Oscar Wilde

– “It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

– “Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Anonymous

– “A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.” – Doug Larson

– “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.” – Anonymous

– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

– “Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.” – Anonymous

– “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

– “Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

– “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Anonymous

– “A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.” – Erma Bombeck

– “A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.” – Erma Bombeck

– “One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” – Clifton Fadiman

– “Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.” – Lord Chesterfield

– “A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.” – Anonymous

– “A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” – Abraham Lincoln

– “Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.” – Peter Ustinov

– “Friends are the siblings God never gave us.” – Mencius

– “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin

– “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun.”” – The Maugles

– “Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler

– “Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.” – Horace Walpole

– “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

– “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain

Funny Quotes From Robin Williams

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“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

“My God. We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.”

“Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.”

“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.” “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say “Stop, or I’ll say stop again.””

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

“I like my wine like my women — ready to pass out.”

“When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”

“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’”

“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”

Funny Sarcastic Sayings About Life

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“What we feel and think and is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ” – Aldous Huxley

“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” – Mark Twain

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” – Robin Williams

“People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.” – Robin Williams

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. ” – Victor Borge