How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
I love hilarious quotes, especially from great people, like Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde. Let me share with you some of them:
“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” – Oscar Wilde
“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde
“Journalism is unreadable, literature is never read.” – Oscar Wilde
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” –Oscar Wilde
“A true friend stabs you in the front.”-Oscar Wilde
“It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one’s enemies. It is the successes of one’s friends that are hard to bear.” – Oscar Wilde
“Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde
“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.” – Oscar Wilde
“I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
“Conscience and cowardice are really the same things.” – Oscar Wilde
“A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.” –Oscar Wilde
“The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.” –Oscar Wilde
“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde
“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.” – Oscar Wilde
“One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.” – Oscar Wilde
“No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.” – Oscar Wilde
“Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.” – Oscar Wilde
“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain
“When angry count four; when very angry, swear.” – Mark Twain
“Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain
“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.” – Mark Twain
“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” – Mark Twain
“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” –Mark Twain
“In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.” – Mark Twain
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” –Mark Twain
“Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.” – Mark Twain
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” – Mark Twain
“It is better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” – Mark Twain
– “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
– “A true friend stabs you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde
– “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
– “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.” – Oscar Wilde
– “It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his.” – Benjamin Franklin
– “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer
– “Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Anonymous
– “A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.” – Doug Larson
– “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.” – Anonymous
– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
– “Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.” – Anonymous
– “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
– “Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh
– “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Anonymous
– “A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.” – Erma Bombeck
– “A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.” – Erma Bombeck
– “One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” – Clifton Fadiman
– “Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.” – Lord Chesterfield
– “A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.” – Anonymous
– “A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” – Abraham Lincoln
– “Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.” – Peter Ustinov
– “Friends are the siblings God never gave us.” – Mencius
– “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin
– “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun.”” – The Maugles
– “Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler
– “Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.” – Horace Walpole
– “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman
– “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain