“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Anonymous
“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous
“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Anonymous
“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Anonymous
“Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.” – John Cleese, “Mony Python”
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
Patience will come to those who wait for it.
Man who lives in glass house shouldn’t run naked.
Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon will find him in cathouse.
The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody’s perfect, so why practice?
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
It is never too late to be what you might have been.
You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
If at first you don’t succeed, get new batteries.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
A peacock who sits on his tail is just another turkey.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
You never test the depth of a river with both feet.
An ideal mind is the best way to relax.
Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
Parents can tell but never teach, unless they practice what they preach.
Two’s a company, three’s the Musketeers.
Wise men don’t need advice. Fools won’t take it.
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.
It matters not what you do, as long as you are the best one doing it.
Never underestimate the power of termites.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.
Many complain of their looks, but none of their brains.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you must blow your own nose.
A penny saved is not much
Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a Mister.