Johnny Carson Quotes
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
I know you’ve been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
Never continue in a job you don’t enjoy. If you’re happy in what you’re doing, you’ll like yourself, you’ll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Talent alone won’t make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: “Are your ready?”
Merry Christmas Quotes
– “Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” – Norman Vincent Peale
– “Christmas is a time when you get homesick – even when you’re home.” – Carol Nelson
– “He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree.” – Roy L. Smith
– “Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.” – Mary Ellen Chase
– “I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.” – Charles Dickens
– “Christmas is the gentlest, loveliest festival of the revolving year – and yet, for all that, when it speaks, its voice has strong authority.” – W.J. Cameron
– “The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.” – Burton Hillis
– “Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fire-side and his quiet home!” – Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers, 1836
– “There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.” – W.J. Cameron
– “A Christmas gambol oft could cheer
The poor man’s heart through half the year.” – Walter Scott
– “Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder
– “May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through!” – Unknown
– “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” – Charles Dickens
– “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” – Larry Wilde, The Merry Book of Christmas
– “Christmas is the season for kindling the fire of hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.” – Washington Irving
– “Isn’t it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for – I don’t know what exactly, but it’s something that you don’t mind so much not having at other times.” – Kate L. Bosher
– “Instead of being a time of unusual behavior, Christmas is perhaps the only time in the year when people can obey their natural impulses and express their true sentiments without feeling self-conscious and, perhaps, foolish. Christmas, in short, is about the only chance a man has to be himself.” – Francis C. Farley
– “It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.” – W.T. Ellis
– “For centuries men have kept an appointment with Christmas. Christmas means fellowship, feasting, giving and receiving, a time of good cheer, home.” – W.J. Ronald Tucker
– “Even as an adult I find it difficult to sleep on Christmas Eve. Yuletide excitement is a potent caffeine, no matter your age.” – Carrie Latet
– “Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm
– “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love!” – Hamilton Wright Mabie
– “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” – Unknown
– “Christmas is forever, not for just one day,
for loving, sharing, giving, are not to put away
like bells and lights and tinsel, in some box upon a shelf.
The good you do for others is good you do yourself…” – Norman Wesley Brooks, “Let Every Day Be Christmas,” 1976
– “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn
– “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!'” – Dave Barry, “Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide”
That love weighs more than gold!” – Josephine Dodge Daskam Bacon
– “I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays – let them overtake me unexpectedly – waking up some find morning and suddenly saying to myself: «Why, this is Christmas Day!» ” – David Grayson
– “A Christmas candle is a lovely thing;
It makes no noise at all,
But softly gives itself away.” – Eva Logue
Funny Christmas Quotes
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.” – Anonymous
“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” – Jay Leno
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.” – Anonymous
“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” – Anonymous
“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning
“Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.” – Anonymous
“Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.” – John Cleese, “Mony Python”
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
Famous Quotes for Christmas
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other. – Burton Hillis
The only blind person at Christmastime is he who has not Christmas in his heart. – Helen Keller
Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. – Dave Barry
Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas. – Dale Evans Rogers
This, the spirit of Christmas, that forever and ever endures. May it leave its richest blessing in the hearts of you and yours. – Author Unknown
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. – Victor Borge
Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall. – Larry Wilde
From home to home, and heart to heart, from one place to another. The warmth and joy of Christmas brings us closer to each other. – Emily Matthews
The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others’ burdens, easing other’s loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas. – WC Jones
Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles. – Unknown
Benny Hill Quotes
– “Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.” – Benny Hill
– “Roses are reddish/ Violets are bluish/ If it weren’t for Christmas/ We’d all be Jewish.” – Benny Hill
– “I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.” – Benny Hill
– “The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.” – Benny Hill
– “I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: “Oh well,” and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.” – Benny Hill
– “We have a little bit of everything. We have entertainment in the bar, a pool room and kids menus, we have a comedy club that has been going on for years and we always do something special with that on New Year’s Eve.” – Benny Hill
– “That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.” – Benny Hill
– “Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.” – Benny Hill
– “Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?” – Benny Hill
Christmas Quote for your Girlfriend
Christmas Quote for Girlfriend
“I made a wish and you came true.” – Britt