Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Tag: W.C. Fields

Funny Alcohol Quotes

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? – Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. – William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. – Henry Lawson

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Unknown

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Kinky Friedman

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. – George Best

Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. – Brendan Behan

I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. – Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I drink to make other people interesting. – Unknown

Funny Quotes to Make You Smile

– “Whoever said ‘nothing is impossible’ never tried to nail jell-o to a tree.” – Lisa Bryant

– “A smile confuses an approaching frown.” – Anonymous

– “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” – Arthur C. Clarke

– “Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over.” – Walter Anderson

– “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey

– “Start every day with a smile and get it over with.” – W.C. Fields

– “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” – William Arthur Ward

– “If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.” – Voltaire

– “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

– “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

– “You’ll be richer in the end than a prince, if you’re a friend.” – Edgar A. Guest

– “Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.” – Steve Martin

– “Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.” – Og Mandino

– “So, if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected, let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!” – Russel H. Conwell

– “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

– “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin

– “A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” – Elbert Hubbard

– “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

– “If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.” – Linda Sunshine

Quotes about Women

– “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.” – Bill Maher

– “A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.” – Carrie Snow

– “You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.” – Cindy Crawford

– “Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.” – Laurence J. Peter

– “The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” – Unknown

– “A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon.” – Arnold Haultain

– “Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” – Charlotte Whitton

– “Women are always beautiful.” – Ville Valo

– “The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.” – Ellery Queen

– “Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.” – Mae West

– “Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” – Nicole Hollander

– “Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.” – Unknown

– “Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.” – Jules Barbey d’Aurevilly

– “A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.” – Chauncey Mitchell Depew

– “The rarest thing in the world is a woman who is pleased with photographs of herself.” – Elizabeth Metcalf

– “There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.” – Madeleine K. Albright

– “A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.” – Oscar Wilde

– “There’s something luxurious about having a girl light your cigarette. In fact, I got married once on account of that.” – Harold Robbins

– “When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95 a minute.” – Unknown

– “Men get laid, but women get screwed.” – Quentin Crisp

– “The most popular image of the female despite the exigencies of the clothing trade is all boobs and buttocks, a hallucinating sequence of parabolae and bulges.” – Germaine Greer

– “Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked.” – Ovid

– “Howiver, I’m not denyin’ the women are foolish: God Almighty made ’em to match the men.” – George Eliot, “The Harvest Supper”, Adam Bede

– “Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.” – W.C. Fields

– “Women really do rule the world. They just haven’t figured it out yet. When they do, and they will, we’re all in big big trouble.” – Doctor Leon

Funny Motivational Quotes

– “Some people develop a wish bone where their back bone should be.” – Unknown

– “Some people not only expect opportunity to knock, they expect it to beat down the door.” – Unknown

– “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce

– “Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.” – W. C. Fields

– “Success comes in cans, failure in can’ts.” – Unknown

– “Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.” – Earl Nightingale

– “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” – Arthur C. Clarke

– “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.” – Robert Frost

– “The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.” – Al Neuharth

– “The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that an optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.” – Unknown