“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” ~Milton Berle
“A mother’s arms are made of tenderness and children sleep soundly in them.” ~Victor Hugo
“Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.” ~William Makepeace Thackeray
“Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother’s secret hope outlives them all.” ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
“A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.’ ~Irish Proverb
“God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.” ~Rudyard Kipling
“A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.” ~Agatha Christie
“No one in the world can take the place of your mother. Right or wrong, from her viewpoint you are always right. She may scold you for little things, but never for the big ones.” ~Harry Truman
“A boy’s best friend is his mother.” ~Joseph Stefano
“Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life.” ~Sophocles
“Who ran to help me when I fell, and would some pretty story tell, or kiss the place to make it well? My mother.” ~Ann Taylor
“A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” ~Washington Irving
“Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up ’cause they’re looking for ideas.” – Paula Poundstone
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” – James Baldwin
“Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.” – Robert A. Heinlein
“There’s nothing that can help you understand your beliefs more than trying to explain them to an inquisitive child.” – Frank A. Clark
“Pretty much all the honest truth telling in the world is done by children.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
“We worry about what a child will be tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.” – Stacia Tauscher
“We cannot always build the future of our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.” – Franklin Delano Roosevelt
“Children are our most valuable resource.” – Herbert Hoover
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.” – Martin Mull
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.” – Phyllis Diller
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.