Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

Menu

Category: Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes about Friends

Posted on by

– “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

– “A true friend stabs you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde

– “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

– “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.” – Oscar Wilde

– “It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

– “Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Anonymous

– “A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.” – Doug Larson

– “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.” – Anonymous

– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

– “Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.” – Anonymous

– “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

– “Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

– “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Anonymous

– “A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.” – Erma Bombeck

– “A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.” – Erma Bombeck

– “One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” – Clifton Fadiman

– “Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.” – Lord Chesterfield

– “A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.” – Anonymous

– “A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” – Abraham Lincoln

– “Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.” – Peter Ustinov

– “Friends are the siblings God never gave us.” – Mencius

– “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin

– “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun.”” – The Maugles

– “Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler

– “Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.” – Horace Walpole

– “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

– “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain

Funny Quotes to Make You Smile

Posted on by

– “Whoever said ‘nothing is impossible’ never tried to nail jell-o to a tree.” – Lisa Bryant

– “A smile confuses an approaching frown.” – Anonymous

– “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” – Arthur C. Clarke

– “Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over.” – Walter Anderson

– “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey

– “Start every day with a smile and get it over with.” – W.C. Fields

– “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” – William Arthur Ward

– “If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.” – Voltaire

– “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

– “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

– “You’ll be richer in the end than a prince, if you’re a friend.” – Edgar A. Guest

– “Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.” – Steve Martin

– “Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.” – Og Mandino

– “So, if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected, let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!” – Russel H. Conwell

– “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

– “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin

– “A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” – Elbert Hubbard

– “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

– “If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.” – Linda Sunshine

Funny Quotes From Robin Williams

Posted on by

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.”

“We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.”

“My God. We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.”

“Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.”

“Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.” “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.”

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say “Stop, or I’ll say stop again.””

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”

“I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”

“I like my wine like my women — ready to pass out.”

“When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?”

“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.’”

“If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”

George Carlin Quotes #3

Posted on by

George Carlin“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

“What year did Jesus think it was?”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”

“A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I’m messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.”

“No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.”

“If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”

“Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

George Carlin Quotes #2

Posted on by

George Carlin“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”

“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that …”

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

George Carlin Quotes

Posted on by

George Carlin“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans”

“”I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”

“You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.”

Funny Sarcastic Sayings About Life

Posted on by

“What we feel and think and is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera ” – Aldous Huxley

“Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.” – Mark Twain

“Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Robin Williams

“God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” – Robin Williams

“Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.” – Robin Williams

“People say satire is dead. It’s not dead; it’s alive and living in the White House.” – Robin Williams

“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. ” – Victor Borge