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Funny Quotes

Funny Short Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

funny short quotesA verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

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Funny Quotes Inspirational Quotes

Inspirational Funny Quotes

– “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.” – Mark Twain

– “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard

– “The first rule of baseball is to get a good ball to hit.” – Rogers Hornsby

– “The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.” – German Proverb

– “The next best thing to winning is losing! At least you’ve been in the race.” – Nellie Hershey Tullis

– “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” – George Will

– “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon

– “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” – Sarah Brown

– “The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.” – Thomas Holcroft