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Funny Quotes

Funny Sentences and Funny Quotes

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

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Funny Quotes

Funny Short Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

funny short quotesA verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

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Funny Quotes

Funny and Humorous Quotes

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don’t have the film. – Unknown

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. – Unknown

funny and humorous quotesEverybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. – Unknown

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans – John Lennon

Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back. – Unknown

You can be young without money but you can’t be old without it. – Unknown

Summer is the season when the air pollution is much warmer – Unknown

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Unknown

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired? – Unknown

When I eventually met Mr Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. – Rita Rudner

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Funny Quotes

Sarcastic Quotes

If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.

He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil.

Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You were looking good from afar.. now you’re far from looking good.

I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Violence won’t solve anything….But it sure makes me feel good.

Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.

Think I am sarcastic?
Watch me pretend to care!

That is the ugliest top Ive ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.

I don’t believe in plastic surgery,
But in your case,
Go ahead.

My loyalty cannot be brought, however, it can be rented.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I’m not crazy! The voices tell me I am entirely sane.

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Celebrity quotes

William Arthur Ward Quotes

William Arthur Ward was an American writer. I love his quotes, and I hope you will love them too. All you’ve got to do is to sit down, and enjoy his great William Arthur Ward Quotes.

A cloudy day is no match for a sunny disposition.

A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities.

A warm smile is the universal language of kindness.

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.

Adversity causes some men to break; others to break records.

Before you speak, listen.

Before you write, think.

Before you spend, earn.

Before you invest, investigate.

Before you criticize, wait.

Before you pray, forgive.

Before you quit, try.

Before you retire, save.

Before you die, give.

Change, like sunshine, can be a friend or a foe, a blessing or a curse, a dawn or a dusk.

Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning.

Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

Four steps to achievement: Plan purposefully. Prepare prayerfully. Proceed positively. Pursue persistently.

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?”

Happiness is an inside job.

Humanity either makes, or breeds, or tolerates all its afflictions.

If you can imagine it,You can achieve it.If you can dream it,You can become it.

It is wise to direct your anger towards problems – not people; to focus your energies on answers – not excuses.

Lose yourself in generous service and every day can be a most unusual day, a triumphant day, an abundantly rewarding day!

Opportunities are like sunrises. If you wait too long, you miss them.

Opportunity is often difficult to recognize; we usually expect it to beckon us with beepers and billboards.

Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing.

The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.

The more generous we are, the more joyous we become. The more cooperative we are, the more valuable we become. The more enthusiastic we are, the more productive we become. The more serving we are, the more prosperous we become.

The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.

To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.

Today is a most unusual day, because we have never lived it before; we will never live it again; it is the only day we have.

We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.

When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.

Wise are they who have learned these truths: Trouble is temporary. Time is tonic. Tribulation is a test tube.

Wise are those who learn that the bottom line doesn’t always have to be their top priority