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Funny Quotes

Funny Short Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

funny short quotesA verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

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Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Let’s make our day better with some great funny quotes and sayings. I will appreciate if you choose your favorite and write it in a comment. Thank you!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

funny quotes and sayingsI go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

I don’t fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating.

When you’re sober you think twice before you speak, but when you’re drunk you speak twice before you think.

Categories
Wisdom Quotes

10 Funny Wisdom Quotes

“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.” – H. L. Mencken

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” – Anonymous

“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot

“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Anonymous

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney

“I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller’s parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.” – New York City detective

“Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.” – Anonymous

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Other Quotes

Amazing Quotes

I love quotes, like you do. If you don’t love quotes, I don’t know what are you doing here. I’m joking, of course. You maybe like quotes and that’s all. I want to share with you all types of quotes (you can see this just by reading this site’s description). Amazing quotes are new for this blog, but I hope you love them like I do. Let’s get started.

“It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.” – Shirley MacLaine

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – Author Unknown

“It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.” – Mark Twain

“There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.” – Harold Stephens

“Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most.” – Author Unknown

“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” – Barry LePatner

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noel Coward

“There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.” – Don Herold

“Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” – Mark Twain

“Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

Awesome, right? But that’s not all I’ve got. Today I will post two or three articles with amazing quotes. Just wait :)

Remember, if you want some quotes that you can not find here, please contact me or write an article by your own. You can be author here and you can get free backlinks for that. It’s not that hard.

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Funny Quotes

Extremely Funny Quotes

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Unknown

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … – Louis Hector Berlioz

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. – Unknown

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Unknown

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. – Unknown

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! – Unknown

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Unknown

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Unknown

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn’t find anyone to copy it from. – Unknown

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. – Unknown

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. – Oliver Goldsmith

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Other Quotes

Philosophy Quotes

“The biggest cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid people are so sure about things and the intelligent folks are so full of doubts.” – Bertrand Russell

“Whenever people agree with me I feel I must be wrong.” – Oscar Wilde

“Some people drown, that’s all. It’s not fair but it happens. Some people drown.” – Stephen King, Stand By Me

“You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.” – Al Capone

“Heresy is another word for freedom of thought.” – Graham Greene

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” – Sigmund Freud

“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.” – Mark Twain

“In the long run we are all dead.” – John Maynard Keynes

“The grass is always greener in a cemetary.” – Amanda Gonzalez

“An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.” – Donald R. Perry Marquis