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Famous Quotes Funny Quotes

20 Humor Quotes

1. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. —Joe Martin

2. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. —Ambrose Bierce

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Noel Coward

4. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. —Will Rogers

5. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. —George Burns

6. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx

7. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.—Groucho Marx

8. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. —Sam Levenson

9. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. —Unknown Author

10. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. —Calvin Trillin

11. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. —David Richerby

12. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. —Garry Shandling

13. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. —Jack Benny

14. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. —Lily Tomlin

15. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks

16. If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect. —Ted Turner

17. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. —Henny Youngman

18. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. —Groucho Marx

19. Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. —Douglas Hofstadter

20. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. —Franklin P. Jones

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Funny Quotes

Funny Short Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Unknown

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car. – Will Rogers

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. – Unknown

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. – Unknown

funny short quotesA verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. – Samual Goldwyn

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. – Groucho Marx

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. – Sam Levenson

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – Unknown

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. – Unknown

I’m very pleased to be here. Let’s face it, at my age I’m very pleased to be anywhere. – George Burns

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Funny Quotes

Funny Family Quotes

“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.” – Wayne H.

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

“Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.” – Evan Esar

“Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.” – Anonymous

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don’t have the top for.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins.” – Josh Billings

“Wealth is any income that is at least one hundred dollars a year more than the income of one’s wife’s sister’s husband.” – HL Mencken

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.” – Anonymous

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Only visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge

“My mother didn’t breast feed me. She said she just liked me as a friend.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m going home next week. It’s a kind of energency – my parents are coming here.” – Rita Rudner

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“Teenagers, are you tired of being harassed by your stupid parents? Act now. Move out, get a job, and pay your own bills – while you still know everything.” – John Hinde

“Friends are God’s apology for relations.” – Hugh Kingsmill

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Wisdom Quotes

Funny Wisdom Quotes

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice. – Bill Cosby

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. – Abba Eban

I am not young enough to know everything. – Oscar Wilde

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head. – Ambrose Bierce

Some folk are wise, and some are otherwise. – Tobias Smollett

Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom. – Euripides

Cleverness is not wisdom. – Euripides

Silence is true wisdom’s best reply. – Euripides

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. – Bertrand Russell

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it. – Sam Levenson

Nothing would more contribute to make a man wise than to have always an enemy in his view. – Lord Halifax

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Motivational Quotes

Motivational Quotes

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” – Unknown

“Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.” – William B. Sprague

“Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.” – Samuel Johnson

“He who hesitates is lost.” – Proverb

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” – Albert Einstein

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Willing is not enough; we must do.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Constant dripping hollows out a stone.” – Lucretius

“Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose–
a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.” – Mary Shelley

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” – Japanese Proverb

“Try and fail, but don’t fail to try.” – Stephen Kaggwa

“On the human chessboard, all moves are possible.” – Miriam Schiff

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as if though nothing is a miracle. The other is though everything is a miracle.” –Albert Einstein

“Don’t watch the clock. Do what it does, keep going. – Sam Levenson

“Improvise upon the situation.” – Unknown

“Giving up is giving in to whatever may be keeping you down. Overcoming is beating what you need to, and becoming stronger in the process.” – Cynthia Mercedes

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Other Quotes

Cry Quotes

– “A woman can laugh and cry in three seconds and it’s not weird. But if a man does it, it’s very disturbing. The way I’d describe it is like this: I have been allowed inside the house of womanhood, but I feel that they wouldn’t let me in any of the interesting rooms.” – Rob Schneider

– “All the powers in the universe are already ours. It is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark.” – Swami Vivekananda

– “Also there is a twist to the story as I’m being haunted and driven crazy, attacked and so on. All I seem to do is run and scream and cry in every scene.” – Bo Derek

– “Am I now supposed to go on Oprah and cry and tell you my deepest, darkest secrets because you want to know?” – Kevin Spacey

– “An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” – Will Rogers

– “And I have to work so hard at talking positively to myself. If I don’t, it’s just real hard to get through the day, and I’ll get really down, and just want to cry. My whole body language changes. I get more slumped over.” – Delta Burke

– “And I remember going to the record studio and there was a park across the street and I’d see all the children playing and I would cry because it would make me sad that I would have to work instead.” – Michael Jackson

– “And there are certain things, and they are evident, obviously, without being boring about it, but I mean obviously, the two evident and easy ones being Gandhi and Cry Freedom, there are things which I do care about very much and which I would like to stand up and be counted.” – Richard Attenborough

– “Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others’ children.” – Sam Levenson

– “Anything where people have to work together makes me cry.” – Brenda Blethyn

– “At Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life makes me cry in exactly the same places every time, even though I know it’s coming.” – Nicholas Lea

– “Because of you, I’m running out of reasons to cry.” – Shakira

– “Between 2 and 3 in the morning of the 19th inst. I was aroused by the cry that the enemy was upon us.” – Richard Francis Burton

– “Beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.” – Nora Ephron

– “Blues is a natural fact, is something that a fellow lives. If you don’t live it you don’t have it. Young people have forgotten to cry the blues. Now they talk and get lawyers and things.” – Big Bill Broonzy

– “Boast is always a cry of despair, except in the young it is a cry of hope.” – Bernard Berenson

– “But I loved the script to 7th Heaven and couldn’t say no. It made me laugh and cry, and I was hooked. I’d love to know who turned it down, because I’m sure at least one other actor did. But I’m glad he did, whoever it was.” – Stephen Collins