Tag: Henny Youngman

20 Humor Quotes

Posted on July 10, 2012 by

1. If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. —Joe Martin

2. Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. —Ambrose Bierce

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Noel Coward

4. The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. —Will Rogers

5. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. —George Burns

6. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx

7. Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.—Groucho Marx

8. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. —Sam Levenson

9. Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur. —Unknown Author

10. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. —Calvin Trillin

11. The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. —David Richerby

12. My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me. —Garry Shandling

13. I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either. —Jack Benny

14. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. —Lily Tomlin

15. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks

16. If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect. —Ted Turner

17. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. —Henny Youngman

18. The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. —Groucho Marx

19. Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. —Douglas Hofstadter

20. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. —Franklin P. Jones

Best Motivational Quotes

Posted on January 2, 2011 by

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost

Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. – Charles Schulz

Opportunity is always knocking. The problem is that most people have the self-doubt station in their head turned up way too loud to hear it. – Brian Vaszily

Some people develop a wishbone where their back bone should be. – Anonymous

Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. – Helen Rowland

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself. – Ethel Barrymore

Opportunity dances with those who are already on the dance floor. – Jackson Brown

I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. – Yogi Berra

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. – Henny Youngman

Burn your computer. Blow up your TV. Bludgeon your cell phone. Breathe deeply. This, my friends, is the secret to inner-peace. – Brian Vaszily

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar

God is dead – Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. – God

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. – Unknown

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. – Unknown

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce. – Unknown

I’ve developed a new philosophy… I only dread one day at a time. – Charles Schulz

None of us is as dumb as all of us. – Unknown

Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn’t spend half our time wishing. – Alexander Woollcott

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That’ll do them in. – Unknown

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. – William Mauldin

If I had a dollar for every time someone came to me with not only a problem but also a possible solution to that problem, I’d have six dollars. – Brian Vaszily

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else. – Unknown

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Dale Carnegie

To do is to be. – Descartes

To be is to do. – Voltaire

Do be do be do. – Frank Sinatra

Drinking Quotes

Posted on November 16, 2010 by

“I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.” –Homer Simpson

“People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” –Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.

“I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.” –Noel Coward

“Drinking Light Beer is like having sex in a canoe…fucking close to water. – Unknown

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” –Ernest Hemingway

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” –W.C. Fields

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” –Stephen Wright

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” –Benjamin Franklin

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” –Dave Barry

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” –Henny Youngman

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy

“All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.” –Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin

“I drink to make other people interesting.” –George Jean Nathan

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” –Dave Barry

Funny Alcohol Quotes

Posted on October 26, 2010October 26, 2010 by

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. – Ernest Hemingway

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. – W.C. Fields

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? – Stephen Wright

The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober. – William Butler Yeats

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer. – Henry Lawson

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they’re going to feel all day. – Unknown

I’m not as think as you drunk I am. – Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder – Kinky Friedman

I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. – George Best

Alcohol removes inhibitions – like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: “Now bring on that damn cat!” – Eleanor Early

I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not. – Brendan Behan

I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. – Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. – Henny Youngman

I drink to make other people interesting. – Unknown

Morning Quotes

Posted on January 26, 2010 by

– “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman

– “Lose an hour in the morning, and you will be all day hunting for it.” – Richard Whately

– “The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.” – Jean Kerr, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies, 1957

– “I’d like mornings better if they started later.” – Unknown

– “For what human ill does not dawn seem to be an alleviation?” – Thornton Wilder

– “Through the blackest night, morning gently tiptoes, feeling its way to dawn.” – Robert Brault

– “Be pleasant until ten o’clock in the morning and the rest of the day will take care of itself.” – Elbert Hubbard

– “The older generation thought nothing of getting up at five every morning – and the younger generation doesn’t think much of it either.” – John J. Welsh

– “If people were meant to pop out of bed, we’d all sleep in toasters.” – Unknown

– “Sadness flies on the wings of the morning and out of the heart of darkness comes the light.” – Jean Giraudoux

– “The sun is but a morning star.” – Henry David Thoreau, Walden

– “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” – Unknown

– “There is no hope for a civilization which starts each day to the sound of an alarm clock.” – Unknown

– “I can see the orange haze on the horizon as the morning exhales a yawn, and seems to be ready to rise.” – Jeb Dickerson

– “I have a “carpe diem” mug and, truthfully, at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet.” – Joanne Sherman

– “Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.” – Josh Billings

– “The plans that I made when horizontal are working out now that I’m vertical.” – Betsy Cañas Garmon

– “Luxury is an ancient notion. There was once a Chinese mandarin who had himself wakened three times every morning simply for the pleasure of being told it was not yet time to get up.” – Argosy

– “One key to success is to have lunch at the time of day most people have breakfast.” – Robert Brault

– “The sun has not caught me in bed in fifty years.” – Thomas Jefferson

– “I’ll tell you how the sun rose a ribbon at a time.” – Emily Dickinson

– “To him whose elastic and vigorous thought keeps pace with the sun, the day is a perpetual morning.” – Henry David Thoreau

– “Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.” – Ambrose Bierce

– “No human being believes that any other human being has a right to be in bed when he himself is up.” – Robert Lynd

– “Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.” – William Feather

– “Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience – unless they are still up.” – Ellen Goodman

– “I don’t think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.” – Rita Rudner