Tag: P. J. O’Rourke

Awesome Life Quotes

Posted on April 16, 2012 by

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. – P.J. O’Rourke

If you end up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it. – Frank Zappa

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. – Ernest Hemingway

Whiskey Quotes

Posted on October 13, 2011 by

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. – W. C. Fields

Americans are big boys. You can talk them into almost anything. Just sit with them for half an hour over a bottle of whiskey and be a nice guy. – Nguyen Cao Ky

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

As they say around the Texas Legislature, if you can’t drink their whiskey, screw their women, take their money, and vote against ’em anyway, you don’t belong in office. – Molly Ivins

Bernard always had a few prayers in the hall and some whiskey afterwards as he was rather pious. – Daisy Ashford

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting? – W. C. Fields

Every article I see is dope this, junkie that, whiskey this – that ain’t my title. – Layne Staley

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. – P. J. O’Rourke

I can’t drink whiskey like I used to back then, that’s for sure. – Sebastian Bach

I learned early to drink beer, wine and whiskey. And I think I was about 5 when I first chewed tobacco. – Babe Ruth

I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it. – Robert E. Lee

I used to like whiskey. But it’s been a long time since I’ve been drunk. – Claude Williams

I’m a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four. – Joel Rosenberg

Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effect when taken in too large quantities. – Lord Dunsany

Ninety percent I’ll spend on good times, women and Irish Whiskey. The other ten percent I’ll probably waste. – Tug McGraw

The tools I need for my work are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whiskey. – William Faulkner

They say some of my stars drink whiskey, but I have found that ones who drink milkshakes don’t win many ball games. – Casey Stengel

We got more provisions for our whiskey than the same money, which we paid for the liquor, would have bought; so after all it proved a very profitable investment. – Buffalo Bill

We partied with the royal rich people, and we felt like rock stars. We drank all the whiskey in the place. – Charles Kelley

We sat around and I fed them barbecue and whiskey. And pretty soon everyone started to compete with each other on the guitars. It seemed the more everyone drank and ate, the more everyone got into it. – Gary Allan

Funny Quotes

Posted on May 11, 2011 by

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat. – Erma Bombeck

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. – Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. – Bill Cosby

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman

Be obscure clearly. – E. B. White

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. – P. J. O’Rourke

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

Famous Quotes

Posted on March 3, 2011 by

– “I have no use for people who throw their weight around as celebrities, or for those who fawn over you just because you are famous.” – Walt Disney

– “In the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.” – Andy Warhol

– “My idea of a good picture is one that’s in focus and of a famous person.” – Andy Warhol

– “I’m bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is «In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.»” – Andy Warhol

– “I didn’t know what to expect from a famous movie star; maybe that he’d be sort of stuck-up, you know. But not Gary Cooper. He horsed around so much… that I had a hard time painting him.” – Norman Rockwell

– “Did you ever stop to think why cops are always famous for being dumb? Simple. Because they don’t have to be anything else.” – Orson Welles

– “Public misbehavior by the famous is a powerful teaching tool.” – Bill O’Reilly

– “What a heavy burden is a name that has become too famous.” – Voltaire

– “The first pork-barrel bill that crosses my desk, I’m going to veto it and make the authors of those pork-barrel items famous all over America.” – John McCain

– “Know the names of past and current artists who are most famous for playing their instruments.” – Marilyn vos Savant

– “A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “When I started out, I didn’t have any desire to be an actress or to learn how to act. I just wanted to be famous.” – Katharine Hepburn

– “I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.” – Stephen Colbert

– “When I was going for my graduate degree, I decided I was going to make a feature film as my thesis. That’s what I was famous for-that I had my thesis film be a feature film, which was You’re a Big Boy Now.” – Francis Ford Coppola

– “We all want to be famous people, and the moment we want to be something we are no longer free.” – Jiddu Krishnamurti

– “Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.” – George Bernard Shaw

– “People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.” – Jerry Lewis

– “Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.” – Kevin Bacon

– “Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.” – Jeff Foxworthy

Funny Quotes

Posted on November 4, 2010 by

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Drugs Quotes

Posted on May 7, 2010 by

– “They say drugs aren’t the answer, but really, what is the question?” – Janet Fitch

– “I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.” – Salvador Dali

– “All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.” – Thomas Szasz

– “Don’t do drugs because if you do drugs you’ll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.” – John Hardwick

– “Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.” – P.J. O’Rourke

– “If God dropped acid, would he see people?” – Steven Wright

– “I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.” – Unknown

– “Avoid all needle drugs – the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.” – Abbie Hoffman

– “Reality is a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs.” – Lily Tomlin

– “Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they’re the scenic route.” – Unknown

Funny Quotes

Posted on March 11, 2010 by

– “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan

– “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London

– “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

– “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty

– “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

– “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers

– “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

– “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben

– “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

– “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

– “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw

– “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

– “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland

– “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

– “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford

– “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler

– “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase

– “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres