A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat. – Erma Bombeck
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. – Bob Hope
A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. – Kevin Nealon
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” – Claude Pepper
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld
A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby
All men are equal before fish. – Herbert Hoover
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. – Bill Cosby
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. – Groucho Marx
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett
As I get older, I just prefer to knit. – Tracey Ullman
Be obscure clearly. – E. B. White
Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. – P. J. O’Rourke
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
20 Homer Simpson Quotes on Parenting
1.) “Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”
2.) “OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I’LL KILL YOU!”
3.) “No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don’t like their jobs, they don’t go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American Way.”
4.) “I don’t apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that’s the way I am.”
5.) “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
6.) “The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let’s see. Don’t tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you’re sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. What else…”
7.) “I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.”
8.) “When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.”
9.) “Marge, there’s an empty spot I’ve always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.”
10.) “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”
11.) “Kids are great, Apu. You can teach them to hate the things you hate and they practically raise themselves now-a-days, you know, with the internet and all.”
12.) “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
13.) “Don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.”
14.) “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. ”
15.) “Movies are the only escape from the drudgery of work and family … No offense.”
16.) “Remember as far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.”
17.) “It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.”
18.) “Kids, kids. As far as Daddy’s concerned, you’re both potential murderers.”
19.) “Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. ”
20.) “Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn’t get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn’t get to go to college.”
Harry Houdini Quotes
Let’s celebrate the birthday of the greatest magician in the world in our own way, with quotes. Today, let me share with you some great Harry Houdini Quotes.
Another method of eating burning coals employs small balls of burned cotton in a dish of burning alcohol.
But it must not be thought that I say this out of personal experience: for in the many years that I have been before the public my secret methods have been steadily shielded by the strict integrity of my assistants, most of whom have been with me for years.
But then, so far as I know, I am the only performer who ever pledged his assistants to secrecy, honor and allegiance under a notarial oath.
Eating coals of fire has always been one of the sensational feats of the Fire Kings, as it is quite generally known that charcoal burns with an extremely intense heat.
Fire has always been and, seemingly, will always remain, the most terrible of the elements.
Flames from the lips may be produced by holding in the mouth a sponge saturated with the purest gasoline.
How the early priests came into possession of these secrets does not appear, and if there were ever any records of this kind the Church would hardly allow them to become public.
I make the most money, I think, in Russia and Paris, for the people of those countries are so willing to be amused, so eager to see something new and out of the ordinary.
I think that in a year I may retire. I cannot take my money with me when I die and I wish to enjoy it, with my family, while I live. I should prefer living in Germany to any other country, though I am an American, and am loyal to my country.
In all feats of fire-eating it should be noted that the head is thrown well back, so that the flame may pass out of the open mouth instead of up into the roof, as it would if the head were held naturally.
It is still an open question, however, as to what extent exposure really injures a performer.
My professional life has been a constant record of disillusion, and many things that seem wonderful to most men are the every-day commonplaces of my business.
No performer should attempt to bite off red-hot iron unless he has a good set of teeth.
Only one man ever betrayed my confidence, and that only in a minor matter.
The eating of burning brimstone is an entirely fake performance.
The great day of the Fire-eater – or, should I say, the day of the great Fire-eater – has passed.
To cause the face to appear in a mass of flame make use of the following: mix together thoroughly petroleum, lard, mutton tallow and quick lime. Distill this over a charcoal fire, and the liquid which results can be burned on the face without harm.
“I remember what you told me before you went out on your own. Sometimes to keep it together, you’ve got to leave it alone.” – Unknown
“One day we’ll wave ‘hello’ and wish we’d never waved ‘goodbye.'” – Unknown
“I want to remember how you’ve made me laugh and sometimes cry, and I never want to forget how special and different you are and how you’ve touched my heart in a way that no one else could.” – Unknown
“I know that you didn’t mean it and I know that you think saying sorry will make it better, but that’s not how the world works. It’s an imperfect world and feelings just don’t go away that fast. So either you never really loved me or you’re just hiding it because you’re scared. Well let me tell you, hiding something will get you nowhere and lying sure as hell won’t make you happy so go ahead and leave me but in the end you will see your mistake and come back. But you know what? I won’t be here.” – Unknown
“Why am I holding onto this? I know there’ll be nothing more to us except you using me. I need to make myself strong. I can’t let you break me more then you already have.” – Drea
“Before you leave, promise me one thing – that you won’t forget what we had. Because it was special, I know it was. And if I could go back in time, you know I would go back to you.” – Unknown
“I made the choice to finally go because I can’t stand this pain. It’s time for my last tear to fall and me to smile again.” – Unknown
“I pity him because I get to walk away and be me, and he has to stay him ya know? And who wants to be him when you could be me?” – Sex and the City
“I sat there and stared at you. I just couldn’t understand how such an amazing person could be in my life. And then all of a sudden I got extremely scared. You kissed me, and told me not to worry, there was no way you’d ever leave me. I felt a sense of comfort. I believed you. That is, until you left.” – Joanne Golden
“No more crying. I can’t cry anymore. Don’t take my hand this time, just go please and don’t look back. Because I know if you did, I would come running back to you.” – Unknown
“No more loneliness and heartache, no more crying myself to sleep, no more wondering about tomorrow. Won’t you come back to me? Come back to me. Do I ever cross your mind anytime? Do you ever wake up reaching out for me? Do I ever cross your mind anytime? I miss you..” – Brian McKnight, ‘Anytime’
“All I ever wanted was to make you happy. I can only do that by stepping aside. I just have one favor to ask of you… remember me.” – Family Matters
“And so if I have to leave you, I want you to know that in the end, it wasn’t because I stopped caring, it’s because you stopped being a friend.” – Unknown
“The hardest mile I’ve ever walked was the one away from you.” – Unknown
“So maybe you were special, and maybe you were supposed to be the one, but then again maybe you were just like the rest of them, only you took my heart with you when you left.” – Unknown
“From the moment he said hello, I could see goodbye in his eyes.” – Roseanne
“How can I say goodbye to you without losing myself too?” – Lost North Star
“I love you enough to let you go, but do you love me enough to come back?” – Unknown
“You turned away from opportunities to sit and talk things through but now when I say I’m leaving you, you have so much to prove.” –Brandy, Tomorrow
“So long to all my pain. Good night to my heartache. Goodbye sorrow. I won’t cry no more. I’m leaving tomorrow.” –Brandy, ‘Tomorrow’
“You couldn’t even say I’m sorry for all the hurt and pain you caused me. Now I am supposed to give my deepest sympathy? You see I had enough of cryin’ and I’m tired of all the lyin’. You see I refuse to let you take advantage of me, baby.” – Brandy, ‘Learn the Hard Way’
“It’s so hard to say goodbye to you. My heart knows the words, they just won’t pump up to my lips.” – Family Matters
“So, here I am again. ending yet another pathetic excuse for a relationship. And it always seems one things is always the same about it. I’m always the one who walks away from it all. Away from the person who always said he’d never let me go. Well, once again, I’m walking away… And once again, no one is stopping me.” – Unknown
“And every time I see you my heart falls to the floor and I want to stop you from walking away and I want to tell you everything, tell you how I feel, tell you that sometimes when you’re not even noticing, I look into your eyes, and when I do, it’s not my love for you I see, its my need.” – Unknown
“Sometimes what may be the best thing for you to do, sometimes that’s the hardest thing for you to do. And that’s real cause I know I love you, I know how I feel about you. But I also know that don’t make everything all right. And for that reason I gotta say goodbye.” – Jagged Edge, ‘Goodbye’
“Maybe I was just a stepping stone for you to get to that point in your life where you’d figure out what you wanted, or didn’t want. So to prove to you that I love you and all I want is for you to be happy, I’ll walk away.” – Unknown
“So kiss me hard ’cause this will be the last time that I let you. You will be back someday and this awkward kiss that tells of other people’s lips will be of service to keeping you away.” – dashboard confessional, “best deceptions”
“As you walk away I see the fire in your eyes and I can hear the laughter in your voice as you watch my heart break. And I’m frozen. I can’t find the words to tell you that I hate you. I can’t tell you how I wish you would just leave my life forever. And I can’t tell you how much I hope she hurts you. So instead I tell you I love you. Hoping that the fire in your eyes die down, and the laughter in your voice becomes tears in your eyes, and you turn around and unbreak my heart. Only to realize that wishes often dont come true, and hearts are more often then not, broken. And I stand there and watch you walk away.” – Unknown
“I think of a while ago, we might have had it all, I was so stupid then, you needed time to grow. But now just as things change, as well my feelings do. In time things rearrange and I’m so sick of chasing you.” – Blink182
“I feel safe around him, he’s like this great man in my life and he’s leaving.” – Sex and the City
“I can’t go any further down this love road and have my heart broken.” – Sex and the City
“I never thought saying two words would be so hard. I said them a thousand times, but it has never ever been so hard. That night as we stood in my drive way I didn’t want the night to end… I knew those words were coming but I didn’t wanna hear them. You said them then I said them too. I turned and walked away, tears in my eyes I will never forget that night I had to say good bye.” – Unknown
“Baby, one more thing before you go, in case you didn’t know, I wouldn’t trade you for the world.” – Weekend Excursion
“I wish there was something I could say or do, I can resist anything but the temptation from you, but I’d rather walk alone then chase you around, I’d rather fall myself then let you drag me on down.” – Ben Harper
“Goodbye is too good a word, babe, so I’ll just say fare thee well, I ain’t sayin you treated me unkind, you coulda done better but I don’t mind, you just kinda wasted my precious time, but don’t think twice it’s all right.” – Bob Dylan
“I always wanted to try for you..I’d have done anything and more. But now you’re so far out of reach. I’ve tried to hold on..but I just can’t anymore. I’m tired of trying for something that never get any better. I’m tired of the pain. So from now on we’ll live our lives apart from each other, and we’ll pretend we don’t remember everything we’ve shared. But I would’ve done anything for you..and I still would.” – Allison
“I feel like I am holding you back. Like you’re missing out on something else by hanging on with me. And I don’t want you to miss anything.” – Allison
“Love hurts. It takes strength to keep it going and right now, I just don’t have the strength or the will power. Please just try to understand.” – Michelle Burns
“I love you, I really do, and yet you still hurt me. But thats ok, I can walk away. I can let you leave because in the end, I’ll know you didnt leave because I wasnt pretty enough, or smart enough, or nice enough. You left me because you don’t care about me, because you’re scared, and because you cant make up your mind. I didn’t do a thing wrong, except maybe choose the wrong guy.” – Unknown
“I don’t get how you can just walk away from this. We’ve worked so hard to be together, we’ve broken every rule they could have given us, and now you’re just leaving… I thought I meant more to you than that.” – Michelle Burns
“I can’t write this thing. I have to answer one simple question, right? Who am I? But if I have to leave town and you and my life to figure that out, what does that say?” – Party of Five
“I know exactly who I am, and I’m just afraid to say it out loud… I love you, so much. I really do. But I’m 19, and in college, and for me that means trying stuff out, like making mistakes. But mistakes where I can take an incomplete if things aren’t working out, not mistakes where other people’s lives are riding on what I choose.” – Party of Five
“I live to like you and I can’t like you anymore. So when you get your heart splattered all over hell and you’re feeling really low and dirty, don’t run to me to help pull you back up because, maybe, for the first time in your life, I won’t be there.” – Pretty in Pink
“There are just certain people who aren’t meant to fit in your life no matter how much you want them to.” – Dawson’s Creek
“Life has been screaming at us, ‘It’s not meant to be.’ I wish I could stay, but the fact of the matter is that that wouldn’t be good for either one of us. I’ve been away from home for too long, and you… you’ve been trying to find where you wanna be. I’m slowing you down. You’ll find what you’re looking for faster without me.” – Party of Five
“I don’t want to make you feel terrible anymore.” – 90210
“Cuz if I don’t go right now, things are gonna change.” – Roswell
“You’re leaving. You’re finally walking out that door. And it hurts because there’s nothing I can do to change your mind.” – Joanne Golden
“Honey help me out of this mess. I’m a stranger to myself, but don’t reach for me, I’m too far away. I don’t wanna talk cause there’s nothing left to say. So my darling, give me your absence tonight. Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside. Cause there’s no kind of loving that can make this all right. I’m trying to find a place I belong and I suddenly feel like a different person.” – Fiona Apple
“So I’ll ask you, If I walked away right now, would you come after me?”- Unknown
Famous Family Quotes
“The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family.” – Lee Iacocca
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns
“A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” – George Bernard Shaw
“You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who’ve never had any.” – Bill Cosby
“Family isn’t about whose blood you have. It’s about who you care about.” – Trey Parker and Matt Stone
“All happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” – Leo Tolstoy
“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” – Jane Howard
“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” – Desmond Tutu
“As the family goes, so goes the nation and so goes the whole world in which we live.” – Pope John Paul II
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” – George Bernard Shaw