Funny Patience Quotes
– “A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people’s patience.” – John Updike
– “If you wait, it will go away.” – Hellrung’s Law
Category: Funny Quotes
Top 10 Funny Quotes of the Day
1. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up, because by that time I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
2. “What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” – Oscar Levant
3. “I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?” – Paul Merton
4. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.” – Homer Simpson
5. “I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?” – Jean Kerr
6. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright
7. “At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” – Partick Moore
8. “I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” – Groucho Marx
9. “You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeners
10. “I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler
Funny Men Quotes
– “My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” – Tim Allen
– “The more I know about men the more I like dogs.” – Gloria Allred
– “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.” – Jean Kerr
– “Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
– “I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance — a sharp, vindictive glance.” – James Thurber
– “Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde
– “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” – Oscar Wilde
– “The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.” – Jeanne-Marie Roland
– “On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” – Bruce Willis
– “Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!” – Kathy Lette
– “Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette
– “Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.” – Kathy Lette
– “Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.” – Will Rogers
– “Man has will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes
Funny Quote of the day
“Money doesn’t buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Ferrari.” – Unknown
Funny Happiness Quote
“I’m so fucking happy, I could shit rainbows.”
Funny Quotes
– “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan
– “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London
– “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres
– “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty
– “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers
– “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke
– “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers
– “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck
– “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben
– “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke
– “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken
– “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine
– “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw
– “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
– “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland
– “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter
– “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford
– “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler
– “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase
– “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres
Funny Sports Quotes
– “I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty
– “On this team, we are all united in a common goal: to keep my job.” – Lou Holtz
– “If hockey fights were fake, you would see me in more of them.” – Rod Gilbert
– “The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract.” – Spider Lockhart
– “Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.” – Shug Jordan
– “You can observe a lot just by watching.” – Yogi Berra
– “They say a tie is like kissing your sister. I guess that is better than kissing your brother.” – Lou Holtz
– “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. I just can’t figure out where else to play!” – Pat Williams
– “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it” – Unknown
– “The sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s butt every day but we sure didn’t expect a total eclipse.” – Steve Sloan
– “I’d run over my mother to win the Super Bowl.” – Russ Grimm
Funny Famous Quotes
– “If Harry Potter’s so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.” – Frankie Boyle
– “Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who’ll think he’s Tiger Woods.” – Frankie Boyle
– “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.” – Unknown
– “It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job: it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman
– “Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world’s oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing – Gary Coleman is going to drown.” – Conan O’Brien
Eddie Murphy Funny Quotes
– “I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.”
– “I’d like to produce, direct, write, score, and star in a film in exactly the way Chaplin did. I’ll do that before I’m thirty.”
– “I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.”
– “I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.”
– “I’ve always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.”
– “I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.”
– “If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.”
– “In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job.”
– “In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!”
– “The economy in Ireland has been rampaging ahead for the last 15 years. Barring an international, political or natural catastrophe, things can only get better for the Irish.”
– “The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.”
– “You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.”
Best Homer Simpson Funny Quotes
– “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like……love!”
– “I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”
– “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding,«You’re making a scene.»”
– “What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.”
– “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”
– “All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
– “Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!”
– “If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it’s that pelicans can be used to mix cement.”
– “Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”
– “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”
– “If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?”
– “I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!”
– “Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.”
– “Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.”
– “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”