Tag: Erma Bombeck

Funny Love Quotes

Posted on December 28, 2010January 4, 2011 by

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. – Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. – Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way. – Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. – Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say! – Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay. – Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? – Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. – Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. – Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. – Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries. – Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying. – Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. – Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. – Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise. – Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.” And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

Doing Your Best Quotes

Posted on December 14, 2010December 14, 2010 by

# People who are resting on their laurels are wearing them on the wrong end.–Malcolm Kushner

# People who cannot invent and reinvent themselves must be content with borrowed postures, secondhand ideas, fitting in instead of standing out.–Warren Bennis

# A problem is a chance for you to do your best.–Duke Ellington

# A professional is someone who can do his best work when he doesn’t feel like it.–Alistair Cooke

# The real tragedy of life is not in being limited to one talent, but in the failure to use that one talent.–Edgar W. Work

# Rebellion against your handicaps gets you nowhere. Self-pity gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world–making the most of one’s best.–Harry Emerson Fosdick

# The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.–Ralph Waldo Emerson

# The right performance of this hour’s duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it.–Ralph Waldo Emerson

# Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment, full effort is full victory.–Mahatma Gandhi

# Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it, you will land among the stars.–Les Brown

# Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.–Willis Whitney

# Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.–David Letterman

# Still this planet’s soil for noble deeds grants scope abounding.–Goethe (Faust Part Two)

# The talent of success is nothing more than doing what you can do well, and doing well whatever you do without thought of fame. If it comes at all it will come because it is deserved, not because it is sought after.–Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

# There are many wonderful things that will never be done if you do not do them.–Charles D. Gill

# There are no extraordinary men…just extraordinary circumstances that ordinary men are forced to deal with.–Admiral Willian “Bull” Halsey

# There is no such thing as can’t, only won’t. If you’re qualified, all it takes is a burning desire to accomplish, to make a change. Go forward, go backward. Whatever it takes! But you can’t blame other people or society in general. It all comes from your mind. When we do the impossible we realize we are special people.–Jan Ashford

# There is nothing of which every man is so afraid, as getting to know how enormously much he is capable of doing and becoming.–Soren Kierkegaard

# There’s a difference between interest and commitment. When you’re interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstance permit. When you’re committed to something, you accept no excuses, only results.–Art Turock

# Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better. It’s not.–Dr. Seuss (The Lorax)

# We all need someone who inspires us to do better than we know how.–Anonymous

# We become what we do.–Madame Chiang Kai-Shek

# We do not have to be the best to be effective, but we do have to be at our best.–Bob Briner (Roaring Lambs)

# We know better than we do. We do not yet possess ourselves…–Ralph Waldo Emerson

# We must all wage an intense, lifelong battle against the constant downward pull. If we relax, the bugs and weeds of negativity will move into the garden and take away everything of value.–Jim Rohn (Jim Rohn’s Weekly E-zine – June 24, 2003)

# We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop.–Mother Teresa

# We should every night call ourselves to an account: what infirmity have I mastered to-day? what passions opposed? what temptation resisted? what virtue acquired? Our vices will abate of themselves if they be brought every day to the shrift.–Seneca

# Well done is better than well said.–Benjamin Franklin

# What I do today is important because I’m exchanging a day of my life for it.–Anonymous

# Whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do it well; whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself completely; in great aims and in small I have always thoroughly been in earnest.–Charles Dickens

# When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”–Erma Bombeck

# When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.–Helen Keller (Out of the Dark)

# When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves.–William Arthur Ward

# The winds and the waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators.–Edward Gibbon

# You can’t always expect a certain result, but you can expect to do your best.–Anita Hill

# You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.–Eleanor Roosevelt

# You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.–Michael Jordan

# You’re not obligated to win. You’re obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day.–Marian Wright Edelman

Funny Quotes about Friends

Posted on October 8, 2010October 8, 2010 by

– “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

– “A true friend stabs you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde

– “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

– “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.” – Oscar Wilde

– “It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

– “Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Anonymous

– “A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.” – Doug Larson

– “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.” – Anonymous

– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

– “Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.” – Anonymous

– “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

– “Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

– “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Anonymous

– “A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.” – Erma Bombeck

– “A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.” – Erma Bombeck

– “One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” – Clifton Fadiman

– “Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.” – Lord Chesterfield

– “A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.” – Anonymous

– “A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” – Abraham Lincoln

– “Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.” – Peter Ustinov

– “Friends are the siblings God never gave us.” – Mencius

– “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin

– “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun.”” – The Maugles

– “Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler

– “Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.” – Horace Walpole

– “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

– “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain

Funny Quotes

Posted on March 11, 2010 by

– “My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.” – Spike Milligan

– “My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.” – Jay London

– “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.” – Ellen DeGeneres

– “My inner child is not wounded.” – Shannen Doherty

– “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.” – Mike Myers

– “Never fight an inanimate object.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Never floss with a stranger.” – Joan Rivers

– “Never have more children than you have car windows.” – Erma Bombeck

– “Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.” – Robert Orben

– “Never wear anything that panics the cat.” – P. J. O’Rourke

– “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.” – H. L. Mencken

– “O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.” – Saint Augustine

– “Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” – George Bernard Shaw

– “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

– “One man’s folly is another man’s wife.” – Helen Rowland

– “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.” – Laurence J. Peter

– “Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.” – Lewis Mumford

– “Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.” – Samuel Butler

– “Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.” – Chevy Chase

– “People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.” – Ellen DeGeneres