Tag: George Carlin

Funny Quotes about Friends

Posted on October 8, 2010October 8, 2010 by

– “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

– “A true friend stabs you in the front.” – Oscar Wilde

– “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

– “I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.” – Oscar Wilde

– “It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.” – Bernard Meltzer

– “Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Anonymous

– “A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.” – Doug Larson

– “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.” – Anonymous

– “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

– “Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.” – Anonymous

– “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

– “Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

– “Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.” – Anonymous

– “A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.” – Erma Bombeck

– “A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.” – Erma Bombeck

– “One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.” – Clifton Fadiman

– “Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.” – Lord Chesterfield

– “A lifelong friend is someone you haven’t borrowed money from yet.” – Anonymous

– “A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.” – Abraham Lincoln

– “Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.” – Peter Ustinov

– “Friends are the siblings God never gave us.” – Mencius

– “One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” – George Carlin

– “A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying “boy was that fun.”” – The Maugles

– “Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.” – Samuel Butler

– “Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.” – Horace Walpole

– “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

– “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.” – Mark Twain

George Carlin Quotes #3

Posted on September 14, 2010September 12, 2010 by

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?”

“What year did Jesus think it was?”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”

“A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I’m messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.”

“No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.”

“If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”

“Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.”

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

George Carlin Quotes #2

Posted on September 13, 2010September 12, 2010 by

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist”

“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that …”

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

George Carlin Quotes

Posted on September 12, 2010September 12, 2010 by

“When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!”

“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.”

“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans”

“”I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?”

“You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”

“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.”

“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.”

Gas Prices Quotes

Posted on March 14, 2010March 14, 2010 by

– “Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas.” – Esa Tikkannen, 1979

– “I am having an out of money experience.” – Unknown

– “The use of solar energy has not been opened up because the oil industry does not own the sun.” – Ralph Nader

– “The bicycle is the most efficient machine ever created: Converting calories into gas, a bicycle gets the equivalent of three thousand miles per gallon.” – Bill Strickland

– “Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence.” – Max Amsterdam

– “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.” – Steven Wright

– “I figured out Karl Rove’s political strategy – make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.” – John Kerry

– “Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.” – George Carlin

– “It’s better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.” – Unknown

– “Even if gas prices fall, consumers will continue to be gouged at the pump. The only thing that we can be sure rises faster that the price of gasoline is the skyrocketing profits of oil companies.” – R. Owens

– “A pedestrian is someone who thought there were a couple of gallons left in the tank.” – Unknown

– “If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one.” – George Gobel

– “Man is the animal that intends to shoot himself out into interplanetary space, after having given up on the problem of an efficient way to get himself five miles to work and back each day.” – Bill Vaughan

– “Walking isn’t a lost art – one must, by some means, get to the garage.” – Evan Esar

– “The shortest distance between two points is under construction.” – Noelie Altito

– “Restore human legs as a means of travel. Pedestrians rely on food for fuel and need no special parking facilities.” – Lewis Mumford

– “In the old days a man who saved money was a miser; nowadays he’s a wonder.” – Unknown

Best Comedian Quotes

Posted on September 28, 2009 by

– “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)

– “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne

– “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

– “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

– “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen

– “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin

– “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin

– “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle

– “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle

– “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

– “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal

– “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright

– “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow

– “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel

– “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

– “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock

50 funny quotes

Posted on September 15, 2009November 30, 2010 by

1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers