Friendship Quotes – a large collection of famous and inspirational quotes

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Family Guy Funny Quotes

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FamilyGuyStewie Griffin: What’s this? Blueberries? Oh, oh my G…oh, that’s better than sex!
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Peter Griffin: I’ve got an idea – an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I’m talking about.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.

Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

Lois Griffin: Stewie why don’t you play in the other room?
Stewie Griffin: Why don’t you burn in hell?

Peter Griffin: Now kids daddy only drank so that the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Peter Griffin: I’ve had a good life. And you can always be proud of your father and all of his accomplishments.
Meg Griffin: What accomplishments?
Peter Griffin: Go to your room.

Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.

Marijuana Quotes

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– “I think hard drugs are disgusting. But I must say, I think marijuana is pretty lightweight.” – Linda McCartney

– “I think people need to be educated to the fact that marijuana is not a drug. Marijuana is an herb and a flower. God put it here. If He put it here and He wants it to grow, what gives the government the right to say that God is wrong? ” – Willie Nelson

– “I smoked pot in college and in the Army.. ” – Al Gore

– “The only dead bodies from marijuana are in the prisons and at the hands of the police. This is ridiculous.” – Jack Herer

– “Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit . . . unnatural?” – Bill Hicks

– “I think pot should be legal. I don’t smoke it, but I like the smell of it.” – Andy Warhol

– “I now have absolute proof that smoking even one marijuana cigarette is equal in brain damage to being on Bikini Island during an H-bomb blast.” – Ronald Reagan

– “When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn’t like it, and I didn’t inhale, and I never tried again.” – Bill Clinton

Best Comedian Quotes

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– “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)

– “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne

– “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

– “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

– “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen

– “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin

– “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin

– “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle

– “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle

– “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

– “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal

– “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright

– “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow

– “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel

– “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

– “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock

Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes

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jerry-seinfeld-banana– “I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
– “What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
– “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, «See if you can blow this out.»”
– “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”
– “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”
– “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

– “Why do they call it a “building”? It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a “built”?”

– “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.”

– “The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”

– “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

– “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, «Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.»”

– “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”

Steve Martin Humorous Quotes

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steve_martin_photo– “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.” – Steve Martin
– “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
– “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
– “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin

– “A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.” – Steve Martin

– “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on.” – Steve Martin

– “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.” – Steve Martin

– “There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.” – Steve Martin

– “College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.” – Steve Martin

– “We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.” – Steve Martin

Best Funny Quotes from Jim Carrey

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jim-carrey_1– “If I’m not back in five minutes… just wait longer!” – Jim Carrey
– “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
– “People need motivation to do anything. I don’t think human beings learn anything without desperation. ” – Jim Carrey
– “I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don’t know if it’s possible forever and ever.” – Jim Carrey
– “Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.” – Jim Carrey
– “There is nothing like making love to somebody you give a shit about.” – Jim Carrey

– “I think I could go away tomorrow. I’ve already accomplished something. It’s such a selfish business that sometimes I get sick of myself.” – Jim Carrey

– “Either you’re the one erasing or you’re the one being erased.” – Jim Carrey

– “I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I’m just trying to create a good one for myself.” – Jim Carrey

– “My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.” – Jim Carrey

– “I got a lot of support from my parents. That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.” – Jim Carrey

– “I want to be the greatest actor that ever lived, frankly. I’d love that. But I don’t need to be. I just want to be here. That’s it.” – Jim Carrey

Stephen Fry Funny Quotes

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stephen-fry– “When you’ve seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists.” – Stephen Fry
– “Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties. ” – Stephen Fry
– “Many people would no more think of entering journalism than the sewage business – which at least does us all some good.” – Stephen Fry

– “I don’t watch television, I think it destroys the art of talking about oneself.” – Stephen Fry

– “I could rent a room, paint it black, bolt on a few chains and call it my punishment room, Then have men in posing pouches in the background.” – Stephen Fry

– “An original idea. That can’t be too hard. The library must be full of them.” – Stephen Fry

– “I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.” – Stephen Fry

50 funny quotes

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1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

Beer Quotes

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– “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” – Dave Barry

– “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed – Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, «It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.»” – Jack Handy

– “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer!” – Homer Simpson

– “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” – Kaiser Welhelm

– “Beer will always have a definite role in the diet of an individual and can be considered a cog in the wheel of nutritional foods.” – Bruce Carlton

– “It was as natural as eating and, to me, as necessary. I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking a beer.” – Ernest Hemingway

– “Pretty women make us BUY beer. Ugly women make us DRINK beer.” – Ed O’Neill

– “He was a great man who invented beer” – Plato

– “I only drink beer on days that ends with «Y»” – Unknown

Bugs Bunny Quotes

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bugs-bunny-debut-1– “Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out alive.” – Bugs Bunny
– “Well, what did you expect in an opera? A happy ending?” – Bugs Bunny
– “Here I go with the timid little woodland creature bit again. It’s shameful, but…ehhh, it’s a living.” – Bugs Bunny
– “Eh, what’s up, doc? You can’t shoot a wabbit.” – Bugs Bunny
– “I know this defies the law of gravity, but I never studied law!” – Bugs Bunny
– “Oh well, maybe I can shine it up and use it for an ashtray.” – Bugs Bunny

– “If an interesting monster can’t have an interesting hairdo I don’t know what this world is coming to.” – Bugs Bunny

– “Remember Doc! Keep smiling!” – Bugs Bunny

– “The rabbit is considered a kind and intelligent creature in Cambodian culture.” – Bugs Bunny