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Funny Quotes

Funny Sentences and Funny Quotes

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they’re sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You don’t need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Hospitality is making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

I scream the same way whether I’m about to be eaten by a shark or seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

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Inspirational Quotes Wisdom Quotes

Wisdom and Inspirational Quotes

1. It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. —Albert Einstein

2. Eighty percent of success is showing up. —Woody Allen

3. I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. —Wilson Mizner

4. The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge. —Daniel J. Boorstin

5. The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. —William Arthur Ward

6. If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake. —Frank Wilczek

7. You can never get enough of what you don’t really need. —Eric Hoffer

8. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. —Albert Einstein

9. Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress. —Alfred A. Montapert

wisdom and inspirational quotes10. I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. —Bill Cosby

11. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. —Spanish Proverb

12. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. —Oscar Wilde

13. There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem. —Harold Stephens

14. It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. —Alfred Adler

15. I hear: I forget / I see: I remember / I do: I understand —Chinese Proverb

16. Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most. —Unknown Author

17. The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself. —Wallace Wattles

18. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. —Barry LePatner

19. When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. —Abraham Lincoln

20. Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. —Winston Churchill

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Famous Quotes

Funny Quotes About Parents

“Parents are not interested in justice, they’re interested in peace and quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“There are two things that a child will share willingly – communicable diseases and its mother’s age.” – Benjamin Spock

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.” – Woody Allen

“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.” – Bill Cosby

“Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.” – Peter Ustinov

“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.” – Michelle Pfeiffer

“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.” – Joyce Armor

“Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.” – Yogi Berra

“The most loving parents and relatives commit murder with smiles on their faces. They force us to destroy the person we really are: a subtle kind of murder.” – Jim Morrison

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.” – Rodney Dangerfield

funny quotes about parents“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t, either.” – Dick Cavett

“That’s sort of a cliché about parents. We all believe that our children are the most beautiful children in the world. But the thing is, what no one really talks about is the fact that we all really believe it.” – Heather Armstrong

“My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too.” – Peter De Vries

“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better is asking for it.” – Erma Bombeck

“My husband and I have decided to start a family while my parents are still young enough to look after them.” – Rita Rudner

“Call me Jonah. My parents did, or nearly did. They called me John.” – Kurt Vonnegut

“It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them.” – Leo Buscaglia

“Parents wonder why the streams are bitter, when they themselves have poisoned the fountain.” – John Locke

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” – Mark Twain

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.” – Ogden Nash

“My parents are my backbone. Still are. They’re the only group that will support you if you score zero or you score 40.” – Kobe Bryant

“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.” – Dave Barry

“Tyranny or slavery, born of selfishness, are the two educational methods of parents; all gradations of tyranny or slavery.” – Franz Kafka

“The best part about being friends with your parents is that no matter what you do, they have to keep loving you.” – Natalie Portman

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Motivational Quotes

15 Productivity Quotes

1. The more reasons you have for achieving your goal, the more determined you will become. — Brian Tracy

2. Pursue meaningful adventures. — Chris Guillebeau

3. It’s not whether you get knocked down. It’s whether you get up again. — Vince Lombardi

4. Fortune favours the brave. — Terence

5. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. — Neal Donald Walsch

6. The best way out is always through. — Unknown

7. Live well. It is the greatest revenge. — The Talmud

8. If you never fall you won’t know how to pick yourself up. — Unknown

9. You need to write down an unrealistic goal and start to live and breathe it every single day. This can be simple, or more complex. Make it crazy though! The sky is the limit, and trust me, people have been up there too. — Everett Bogue

10. Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

11. Just get started. There are some days when you don’t feel like heading out the door for a run, or figuring out your budget, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do that day for your goal. Well, instead of thinking about how hard it is, and how long it will take, tell yourself that you just have to start. — Leo Babauta

12. One thing at a time. Most important thing first. Start now. — Skellie

13. No hour of life is lost that is spent in the saddle. — Winston Churchill

14. The best time to start was last year. Failing that, today will do. — Chris Guillebeau

15. Start from wherever you are and with whatever you’ve got. — Jim Rohn

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Friendship Quotes

Best Friendship Sayings ever

“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure.”

“Having someone who understands is a great blessing for ourselves. Being someone who understands is a great blessing to others.”

“A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

Best Friendship Quotes“A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself.”

“A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more.”

“Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare false friends are like leaves, found everywhere.”

“A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget…”

“Money might make you wealthy, but true friends makes you rich.”

“A friend is like a rainbow. They brighten your life when you’ve been through a storm.”

“Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things.”

“If you’re alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”

“The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you’ve had.”

“A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should.”

“There comes a point in your life when you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will.”

“A friend is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.”

“You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”

“A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view.”

“Together forever, never apart. Maybe in distance, but never in heart.”

“True friendship isn’t seen with the eyes, it’s felt with the heart.”

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Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes and Sayings

Let’s make our day better with some great funny quotes and sayings. I will appreciate if you choose your favorite and write it in a comment. Thank you!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

funny quotes and sayingsI go to bed late every night and I realize it was bad idea every morning.

I always wanted to be someone. I see now that I should have been more specific.

I don’t fail, I succeed in finding what does not work.

Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to, unless you’re in prison.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Eventually people will realize that mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating.

When you’re sober you think twice before you speak, but when you’re drunk you speak twice before you think.

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Motivational Quotes

Motivational Sports Quotes

The most important thing in sport is your motivation. You can’t be one of the best without motivation. Let me share with you some great motivational sports quotes.

“Just go out there and do what you’ve got to do.” – Martina Navratilova

“The pain of discipline is far less than the pain of regret” – Sarah Bombell

“In order to excel, you must be completely dedicated to your chosen sport. You must also be prepared to work hard and be willing to accept constructive criticism. Without a total 100 percent dedication, you won’t be able to do this.” – Willie Mays

“The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That’s real glory.” – Vince Lombardi

“Luck? Sure. But only after long practice and only with the ability to think under pressure.” – Babe Didrikson Zaharias

“The most important key to achieving great success is to decide upon your goal and launch, get started, take action, move.” – John Wooden

“Don’t give up at half-time. Concentrate on winning the second half.” – Paul Bryant

“The Truth is that Running Hurts. No one gets faster without meeting their personal pain barrier straight on. No amount of junk miles, fun runs or affirmations are going to get you over the hill at the five mile mark in a 10k. However, what will pull you through is solid prep with hard hill runs and interval work.” – Manciata

“Some people say I have attitude – maybe I do…but I think you have to. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does – that makes you a winner right there.” – Venus Williams

“Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” – John Wooden

“My mother taught me very early to believe I could achieve any accomplishment I wanted to. The first was to walk without braces.” – Wilma Rudolph

“The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man’s determination.” – Tommy Lasorda

“If you believe in yourself, have dedication and pride and never quit, you’ll be a winner. The price of victory is high, but so are the rewards.” – Paul Bryant

Motivational Sports Quotes“The ideal attitude is to be physically loose and mentally tight.” – Arthur Ashe

“You can’t get much done in life if you only work on the days when you feel good.” – Jerry West

“The answer to three questions will determine your success or failure.
1 – Can people trust me to do my best?
2 – Am I committed to the task in hand?
3 – Do I care about other people and show it?
If the answers to all three questions are yes, there is no way you can fail.” – Lou Holtz

“Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.” – Leroy Paige

“Being a winner is more than getting a first place trophy, it is acting like the effort was an honour and the trophy is just a decoration.” – Bryan Moseley

“I learned that the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to work hard at it. Whether you’re a musician, a writer, an athlete or a businessman, there is no getting around it. If you do, you’ll win–if you don’t, you won’t.” – Bruce Jenner, Olympic Gold Medalist, Decathlon

“You find that you have peace of mind and can enjoy yourself, get more sleep, rest when you know that it was a one hundred percent effort that you gave – win or lose.” – Gordie Howe

“I learned that if you want to make it bad enough, no matter how bad it is, you can make it.” – Gale Sawers

“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.” – Vincent T. Lombardi

“Do you know what my favorite part of the game is? The opportunity to play.” – Mike Singletary

“It’s great to win, but it’s also great fun just to be in the thick of any truly well and hard fought contest against opponents you respect, whatever the outcome.” – Jack Nicklaus

“The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel are the things that endure. These qualities are so much more important than the events that occur.” – Vince Lombardi

“It’s not whether you get knocked down; it’s whether you get back up.” – Vince Lombardi

“Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.” – George Herman “Babe” Ruth

“The principle is competing against yourself. It’s about self improvement, about being better than you were the day before.” – Steve Young

“If you don’t invest very much, then defeat doesn’t hurt very much and winning is not very exciting.” – Dick Vermeil

“The man who has no imagination has no wings.” – Muhammad Ali

“I’ve never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn’t appreciate the grind, the discipline… I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour – this greatest fulfillment to all he holds dear is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle, victorious.” – Vince Lombardi

“When I go our on the ice, I just think about my skating. I forget it is a competition.” – Katarina Witt

“Positive thinking is the key to success in business, education, pro football, anything that you can mention. I go out there thinking that I’m going to complete every pass.” – Ron Jaworski

“Just do what you do best.” – Red Auerbach

“I didn’t just jump back on the bike and win. There were a lot of ups and downs, good results and bad results, but this time I didn’t let the lows get to me.” – Lance Armstrong

“Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose.” – Winston Churchill

“Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to do it.” – Stan Smith

“The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man’s determination.” – Tommy Lasorda

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Inspirational Quotes

Inspiring Quotes on Enemies and Forgiveness

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” –Eleanor Roosevelt

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you” –African Proverb

“One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget” –Franklin P. Jones

“There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: Those who are afraid to try themselves and Those who are afraid that you will succeed”- Ray Goforth

Forgive your enemies but never forget their names” – JFK

“Take care that no one hates you justly”- Pubilius Syrus

“To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it” – Confucius

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned”- Buddha

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Funny Quotes

Funny Anonymous Quotes

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

The word ‘studying’ was made up of two words originally – ‘students dying’.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case coincidence? I think not.

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.

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Love Quotes

Love Quotes

Anyone here yelled for a great article of love quotes? Here it is, my friends. Some wonderful love quotes special selected for you and your girlfriend (or boyfriend).

Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile. – Franklin P. Jones

Where there is love there is life. – Mohandas K. Gandhi

Love is the greatest refreshment in life. – Pablo Picasso

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring. – Oscar Wilde

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don’t have it, no matter what else there is, it’s not enough. – Ann Landers

Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence. – Erich Fromm

Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots. – Hoosier Farmer

Love is a language spoken by everyone, but understood only by a heart. – Shirley Rindani

You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. – Dr. Seuss

Love is friendship set on fire. – Jeremy Taylor

Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age. – Jeanne Moreau

Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health has vanished. – Og Mandingo

There is no remedy for love but to love more. – Henry David Thoreau

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. – Albert Einstein

It is love that makes the impossible possible. – Indian Proverb

Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. – Virgil

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides. – David Viscott

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. – Robert Heinlein

True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it’s what you are expected to give — which is everything – Anonymous

This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess. – Rainer Maria Rilke

I’ve learned … that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. – Andy Rooney

I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. – Roy Croft

The best thing about me is you. – Shannon Crown

I can’t say anymore than I love you. Anything else would be a waste of breath. – Elvis Costello

I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a little too much, a little too often, and a little more each day. – Anonymous

Love is not blind, it sees but it doesn’t mind. – Rizi Jane Baldon

Love sees roses without thorns. – German Proverb

Love is being stupid together. – Paul Valery

Love is missing someone whenever you’re apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close in heart. – Kay Knudsen

We sat side by side in the morning light and looked out at the future together. – Brian Andres

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction. – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Thanks for reading and sharing that!