Jack Handy Funny Quotes
Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I bet it’s hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like “Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.”
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. “This is the fourth coat crushing this year”, said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.
Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Why do banks charge you an “insufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
– “I can’t live without Mexican food.”