Lesson In Life
“A wise man sat in the audience and cracked a joke. Everybody laughs like crazy. After a moment, he cracked the same joke again. This time, less people laughed. He cracked the same joke again and again.
When there is no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said:
You can’t laugh at the same joke again and again, but why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?“
Wisdom and Inspirational Quotes
1. It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. —Albert Einstein
2. Eighty percent of success is showing up. —Woody Allen
3. I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. —Wilson Mizner
4. The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge. —Daniel J. Boorstin
5. The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. —William Arthur Ward
6. If you don’t make mistakes, you’re not working on hard enough problems. And that’s a big mistake. —Frank Wilczek
7. You can never get enough of what you don’t really need. —Eric Hoffer
8. Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. —Albert Einstein
9. Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but does not make any progress. —Alfred A. Montapert
10. I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. —Bill Cosby
11. Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. —Spanish Proverb
12. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. —Oscar Wilde
13. There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem. —Harold Stephens
14. It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them. —Alfred Adler
15. I hear: I forget / I see: I remember / I do: I understand —Chinese Proverb
16. Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most. —Unknown Author
17. The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself. —Wallace Wattles
18. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment. —Barry LePatner
19. When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion. —Abraham Lincoln
20. Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. —Winston Churchill
Funny Quotes and Sayings
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Some days you’re the dog, and some days you’re the hydrant.
I keep hitting “escape”, but I’m still here.
I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
I have a drinking problem – I can’t afford it.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when we’ve put footprints on the moon.
I just read that YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook are merging. It’ll be called You-Twit-Face.
Politicians and diapers need to be changed regularly, usually for the same reason.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A fool is a 37th floor window washer who steps backs to see his work.
I tried to put my head together but now my body is falling apart!!
I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
I can resist everything except temptation.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs.’
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it’s called golf.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
When everything comes your way you’re in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..
Born free, taxed to death.
Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon!
If you can’t convince them, confuse them..
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!
The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
The road to success….. Is always under construction.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk.
In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
If ignorance is bliss, then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whatchamacallit!
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. [Oscar Wilde]
Silence is golden… duck tape is silver.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I know there’s other fish in the sea, but I lost my pole when the last one got away from me.
Jack Handy Funny Quotes
Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I bet it’s hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like “Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.”
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself. Too tight, as it turned out. “This is the fourth coat crushing this year”, said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil that writes on snow.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.
Too bad Lassie didn’t know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said “Lassie, go skate for help,” she could do it.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for “better treatment”? I’d ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you’d probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I’d like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Why do banks charge you an “insufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
10 Funny Wisdom Quotes
“All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.” – H. L. Mencken
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” – Scott Adams
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde
“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” – Anonymous
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower
“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot
“I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Anonymous
“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney
“I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller’s parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.” – New York City detective
“Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.” – Anonymous
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
6. I DON’T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, “where the heck is the ceiling?”
8. My reality cheque bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
16. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
21. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.
26. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.
28. If at first you don’t succeed……skydiving isn’t for you.
29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
30. When everything is coming your way……you’re in the wrong lane.