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Funny Humorous and Love Quotes

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Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. – Joan Crawford

It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up. – Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover’s arms can only come later when you’re sure they won’t laugh if you trip. – Jonathan Carroll

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn’t take the first pill that comes along. – Joyce Brothers

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn

True love is like seeing ghosts; we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one. – La Rochefoucauld

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question. – Lily Tomlin

The only people who make love all the time are liars. – Louis Jordan

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby. – Natalie Wood

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. – Oscar Wilde

Love is a grave mental disease. – Plato

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with? – Rita Rudner

Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. – Sandra J. Dykes

All marriages are happy. It’s trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems. – Shelley Winters

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy. – Steve Martin

A love without indiscretion is no lover at all. – Thomas Hardy

Marriage is a great institution for those who like institutions. – Tommy Dewar

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species. – W. Somerset Maugham

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. – Woody Allen

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty. – Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best. – Woody Allen

Funny Love Quotes

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Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like. – Adrienne Gusoff

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed. – Albert Einstein

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

Men make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. – Anonymous

You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty. – Anonymous

The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

Marriage is like jogging through a puddle of industrial strength rubber glue. You can work hard and make it through the struggles; however, you usually leave your bobby socks and sneakers behind along the way. – Anonymous

When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. – Anonymous

Men only have two faults….What they do, and what they say! – Anonymous

You can’t buy love on eBay. – Anonymous

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? – Bette Midler

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. – Brendan Francis

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. – Cathy Carlyle

Marriage is a romance in which the heroine dies in the first chapter. – Cecilia Egan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him. – Cher

Men aren’t necessities, they’re luxuries. – Cher

By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying –
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying. – Dorothy Parker

I’m always looking for meaningful one night stands. – Dudley Moore

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck

Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw. – Fran Lebowitz

It is impossible to love and be wise. – Francis Bacon

Marriage marks the end of many short follies – being one long stupidity. – Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery. – Fulton J. Sheen

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. – George Carlin

Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. – Glenn Beck

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. – Helen Rowland

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. – Henry Kissinger

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you.” And she never did. – James Fineous McBride

Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house. – Jean Kerr

Famous Quotes

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“Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.” – Henry David Thoreau

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” – John Barrymore

“One person can make a difference, and everyone should try” – John F. Kennedy

“There are as many styles of beauty as there are visions of happiness.” – Stendhal

“The freedom to make mistakes provides the best environment for creativity” – Unknown

“You’ll never be greater than yourself.” – Bob Dylan

“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” – John F. Kennedy

“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” – Jessica – age 8

“Each new effort brings you closer to the one that might really work.” – Bob Greene

“Photography takes an instant out of time, altering life by holding it still.” – Dorothea Lange

“A picture is worth a thousand words. An interface is worth a thousand pictures” – Ben Shneiderman

“Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked” – Jeff Pesis

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” – Oscar Wilde

Movies Quotes

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“This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.” – Clint Eastwood

“All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.” – Steve Martin

“A good film script should be able to do completely without dialogue.” – David Mamet

“Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award.” – Billy Wilder

“The best reason to make a film is that you feel passionately about it.” – Jodie Foster

“A film has its own life and takes its own time.” – Aaron Eckhart

“Movies can and do have tremendous influence in shaping young lives in the realm of entertainment towards the ideals and objectives of normal adulthood.” – Walt Disney

“The average Hollywood film star’s ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman, and have a French boyfriend.” – Katharine Hepburn

“In the theater, you go from point A to point Z, building your performance as the evening progresses. You have to relinquish that control on a film.” – Gwyneth Paltrow

“Every great film should seem new every time you see it.” – Roger Ebert

Funny Quotes to Make You Smile

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– “Whoever said ‘nothing is impossible’ never tried to nail jell-o to a tree.” – Lisa Bryant

– “A smile confuses an approaching frown.” – Anonymous

– “The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” – Arthur C. Clarke

– “Smile. Have you ever noticed how easily puppies make human friends? Yet all they do is wag their tails and fall over.” – Walter Anderson

– “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey

– “Start every day with a smile and get it over with.” – W.C. Fields

– “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” – William Arthur Ward

– “If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him.” – Voltaire

– “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

– “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

– “You’ll be richer in the end than a prince, if you’re a friend.” – Edgar A. Guest

– “Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It’s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.” – Steve Martin

– “Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.” – Og Mandino

– “So, if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected, let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!” – Russel H. Conwell

– “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

– “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin

– “A man is not paid for having a head and hands, but for using them.” – Elbert Hubbard

– “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry

– “If you don’t understand how a woman could both love her sister dearly and want to wring her neck at the same time, then you were probably an only child.” – Linda Sunshine

Steve Martin Humorous Quotes

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steve_martin_photo– “Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin
– “I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.” – Steve Martin
– “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” – Steve Martin
– “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
– “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” – Steve Martin

– “A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.” – Steve Martin

– “You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there’s a game on.” – Steve Martin

– “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that.” – Steve Martin

– “There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they’ll talk back to you.” – Steve Martin

– “College totally changed my life. It changed what I believe and what I think about everything. I majored in philosophy.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.” – Steve Martin

– “I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.” – Steve Martin

– “We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.” – Steve Martin

50 funny quotes

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1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers