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Tag: Will Rogers

Funny Motivational Sports Quotes

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Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up. – Bill Vaughn

On how to make the game more exciting – Eliminate the referees, raise the basket four feet, double the size of the basketball, limit the height of the players to 5 feet 9 inches, bring back the center jump, allow taxi drivers in for free and allow the players to carry guns. – Al McGuire

Fans never fall asleep at our games because they’re afraid they might get hit with a pass. – George Raveling

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that. – Bill Shankly

I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either. – Dave Barry

Basketball is like photography, if you don’t focus, all you have is the negative. – Dan Frisby

The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long. – Jack Dolph (on basketball)

Even if you are on the right track… You’ll get run over if you just sit there! – Will Rogers

Funny Life Quotes

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“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen

“For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” – Clifton Fadiman

“Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” – Lou Erickso

“Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.” – William Shakespeare

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.” – Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

“Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he’s talking about.” – Sam Ewing

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.” – Charles Schulz

Famous Death Quotes

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“In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” – Benjamin Franklin

“Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.” – Buddha

“Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.” – Albert Einstein

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” – Mark Twain

“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” – Will Rogers

“As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death.” – Leonardo da Vinci

“The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins?” – Edgar Allan Poe

“Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” – Mark Twain

“No one knows whether death, which people fear to be the greatest evil, may not be the greatest good.” – Plato

Cute Quotes to Make You Smile

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– “Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.” – Rita Rudner

– “My wife was too beautiful for words – but not for arguments.” – John Barrymore

– “I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it’s somebody else’s secretary, fine.” – Barry Goldwater

– “A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.” – Anonymous

– “I was showing early symptoms of becoming a professional baseball man. I was lying to the press.” – Roger Kahn

– “A man’s go to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.” – Rhonda Hansome

– “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

– “Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.” – Miguel de Unamuno

– “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.” – Anonymous

– “All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

– “Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.” – Paula Poundstone

– “Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source.” – Ron Nesen

– “Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have on something they don’t need.” – Will Rogers

– “Don’t forget Mother’s Day… or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.” – Jay Leno

– “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins

– “If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?” – Tom Snyder

– “Things hurt me now. My knees hurt, my back hurts. But your head still thinks it’s twenty-three.” – George Clooney

– “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” – Benjamin Franklin

– “Some people are like Slinkies – not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.” – Anonymous

– “You better live every day like it’s your last day, because one day you’re going to be right.” – Ray Charles

– “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” – Rita Rudner

Sarcastic Inspirational Quotes About Life

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“What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.” – Mignon McLaughlin

“People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please. ” – Will Rogers

“A half truth is a whole lie.”- Yiddish Proverb

“Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” – Cynthia Nelms

“Opportunities are like sunsets. If you wait too long, you miss them.” – William Arthur Ward

“What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.”- Mark Twain

“An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.”- Robert Oppenheimer

“The more that learn to read, the less learn how to make a living. That’s one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.” – Will Rogers

Cry Quotes

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– “A woman can laugh and cry in three seconds and it’s not weird. But if a man does it, it’s very disturbing. The way I’d describe it is like this: I have been allowed inside the house of womanhood, but I feel that they wouldn’t let me in any of the interesting rooms.” – Rob Schneider

– “All the powers in the universe are already ours. It is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark.” – Swami Vivekananda

– “Also there is a twist to the story as I’m being haunted and driven crazy, attacked and so on. All I seem to do is run and scream and cry in every scene.” – Bo Derek

– “Am I now supposed to go on Oprah and cry and tell you my deepest, darkest secrets because you want to know?” – Kevin Spacey

– “An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” – Will Rogers

– “And I have to work so hard at talking positively to myself. If I don’t, it’s just real hard to get through the day, and I’ll get really down, and just want to cry. My whole body language changes. I get more slumped over.” – Delta Burke

– “And I remember going to the record studio and there was a park across the street and I’d see all the children playing and I would cry because it would make me sad that I would have to work instead.” – Michael Jackson

– “And there are certain things, and they are evident, obviously, without being boring about it, but I mean obviously, the two evident and easy ones being Gandhi and Cry Freedom, there are things which I do care about very much and which I would like to stand up and be counted.” – Richard Attenborough

– “Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others’ children.” – Sam Levenson

– “Anything where people have to work together makes me cry.” – Brenda Blethyn

– “At Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life makes me cry in exactly the same places every time, even though I know it’s coming.” – Nicholas Lea

– “Because of you, I’m running out of reasons to cry.” – Shakira

– “Between 2 and 3 in the morning of the 19th inst. I was aroused by the cry that the enemy was upon us.” – Richard Francis Burton

– “Beware of men who cry. It’s true that men who cry are sensitive to and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to and in touch with are their own.” – Nora Ephron

– “Blues is a natural fact, is something that a fellow lives. If you don’t live it you don’t have it. Young people have forgotten to cry the blues. Now they talk and get lawyers and things.” – Big Bill Broonzy

– “Boast is always a cry of despair, except in the young it is a cry of hope.” – Bernard Berenson

– “But I loved the script to 7th Heaven and couldn’t say no. It made me laugh and cry, and I was hooked. I’d love to know who turned it down, because I’m sure at least one other actor did. But I’m glad he did, whoever it was.” – Stephen Collins

Funny Idiots Quotes

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– "If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?" – Will Rogers

– "Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it." – Mark Twain

– "In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards." – Mark Twain

– "We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later." – Louis Aragon

– "We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do." – Stephen Colbert

– "There’s nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot." – Scott Adams

– "Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest." – Alexandre Dumas

Funny Men Quotes

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– “My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” – Tim Allen
– “The more I know about men the more I like dogs.” – Gloria Allred
– “Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything in the house.” – Jean Kerr
– “Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.” – Maryon Pearson
– “I am not a cat man, but a dog man, and all felines can tell this at a glance — a sharp, vindictive glance.” – James Thurber
– “Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.” – Oscar Wilde
– “Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” – Oscar Wilde
– “The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.” – Jeanne-Marie Roland
– “On the one hand, we’ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.” – Bruce Willis
– “Why can’t women tell jokes? Because we marry them!” – Kathy Lette
– “Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.” – Kathy Lette
– “Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.” – Kathy Lette
– “Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.” – Will Rogers
– “Man has will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes

50 funny quotes

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1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers