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Funny Quotes

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If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. – Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor. – Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? – Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job. – Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? – Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three. – Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer. – Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. – George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. – Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. – Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. – Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. – H. L. Mencken

Let’s reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools – and use it on the teachers. – P. J. O’Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. – Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative. – Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. – Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. – Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

Funny Life Quotes

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“There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.” – Oscar Wilde

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.” – Mark Twain

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.” – Woody Allen

“For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.” – Clifton Fadiman

“Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.” – Lou Erickso

“Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.” – William Shakespeare

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

“Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.” – Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

“Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he’s talking about.” – Sam Ewing

“I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.” – Charles Schulz

Cute Love Quotes #3

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To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. – Bill Wilson

All mankind love a lover. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. – Robert Frost

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. – Jules Renard

One’s first love is always perfect until one meets one’s second love. – Elizabeth Aston

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. – Woody Allen

We were given: Two hands to hold. To legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find. – Anonymous

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. – H. L. Mencken

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. – Rose Franken

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. – Mark Overby

Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it. – Swedish Proverb

Success Quotes

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“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” – Henry Ford

“Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” – Bill Cosby

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.” – Woody Allen

“Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” – Benjamin Franklin

“You can do anything, but not everything.” – David Allen

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit.” – Aristotle

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” – Sven Goran Eriksson

“Opportunity is missed by most people, because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” – Maya Angelou

Famous People Quotes #9

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“It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.” – Professor Scott Elledge on his retirement from Cornell

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben

“The cynics are right nine times out of ten.” – Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

“There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.” – George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

“And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him.” – Revelation 6:8

“Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.” – Plato (427-347 B.C.)

“Plato was a bore.” – Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

“Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal.” – Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

“I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.” – Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

“Hemingway was a jerk.” – Harold Robbins

“Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.”
– Epictetus (55-135 A.D.)

“What about things like bullets?” – Herb Kimmel, Behavioralist, Professor of Psychology, upon hearing the above quote (1981)

“How can I lose to such an idiot?” – A shout from chessmaster Aaron Nimzovich (1886-1935)

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.” – Woody Allen (1935-)

“I don’t feel good.” – The last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)

“Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.” – Ross MacDonald (1915-1983)

“Men have become the tools of their tools.” – Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.” – Richard J. Ferris, president of United Airlines

“I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.” – Gore Vidal

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.” – Woody Allen (1935-)

“Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.” – Abba Eban (1915-2002)

“A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.” – Abba Eban (1915-2002)

“To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.” – Charles William Stubbs

“Sanity is a madness put to good uses.” – George Santayana (1863-1952)

“Imitation is the sincerest form of television.” – Fred Allen (1894-1956)

“Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)

“In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.” – Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965)

“Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.” – Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)

“Why don’t you write books people can read?” – Nora Joyce to her husband James (1882-1941)

“Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.” – T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)

“Criticism is prejudice made plausible.” – Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

“It is better to be quotable than to be honest.” – Tom Stoppard

“Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.” – Karl Wallenda

“Opportunities multiply as they are seized.” – Sun Tzu

“A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.” – Lao-Tzu (570?-490? BC)

” The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” – Alan Kay

“Never mistake motion for action.” – Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” – Sir Stephen Henry Roberts (1901-1971)

“Hell is paved with good samaritans.” – William M. Holden

Quick Woody Allen Quote

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“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”

Laugh Quotes

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– “I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” – Woody Allen

– “At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. ” – Jean Houston

– “Even if there is nothing to laugh about, laugh on credit.” – Unknown

– “Mirth is God’s medicine. Everybody ought to bathe in it.” – Henry Ward Beecher

– “Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.” – Jack Handey, “Deep Thoughts”, Saturday Night Live

– “The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.” – Unknown

– “Laughter is an instant vacation.” – Milton Berle

– “What monstrous absurdities and paradoxes have resisted whole batteries of serious arguments, and then crumbled swiftly into dust before the ringing death-knell of a laugh!” – Agnes Repplier

– “So many tangles in life are ultimately hopeless that we have no appropriate sword other than laughter.” – Gordon W. Allport

– “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” – Victor Borge

– “What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.” – Yiddish Proverb

– “When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.” – Alan Alda

– “Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” – Kurt Vonnegut

– “A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” – Irish Proverb

– “Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.” – Bob Newhart

– “A hearty laugh gives one a dry cleaning, while a good cry is a wet wash.” – Puzant Kevork Thomajan

– “There can never be enough said of the virtues, dangers, the power of a shared laugh.” – Françoise Sagan

– “I’ve always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, «Ain’t that the truth.»” – Quincy Jones

– “Laughter is the corrective force which prevents us from becoming cranks.” – Henri Bergson

– “Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails. What puts man in a higher state of evolution is that he has got his laugh on the right end.” – Max Eastman

– “A man isn’t poor if he can still laugh.” – Raymond Hitchcock

– “Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.” – Kurt Vonnegut

– “Remember, men need laughter sometimes more than food.” – Anna Fellows Johnston

– “No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.” – Thomas Carlyle, Sartor Resartus, Book I, chapter 4

– “You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.” – Stephen King, Hearts in Atlantis

– “With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.” – Abraham Lincoln

– “Whoever said “laughter is the best medicine” never had gonorrhea.” – Kat Likkel and John Hoberg, My Name Is Earl, “Robbed a Stoner Blind”, original airdate 16 November 2006

– “Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.” – Ken Kesey

Hilarious Basketball Quotes

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– “I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.” – Dave Barry

– “Some things you just can’t question. Like you can’t question why two plus two is four. So don’t question it, don’t try to look it up. I don’t know who made it, all I know is it was put in my head that two plus two is four. So certain things happen. Why does it rain? Why am I so sexy? I don’t know.” – Shaquille O’Neal

– “The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking about manic depression, she asked, ‘How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?’ A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, ‘A basketball coach?'” – Old Basketball Joke

– “Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It’s up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.” – Bill Walton

– “These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.” – Charles Barkley

– “This [basketball] is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn’t have spectators.” – Dick Vertleib

– “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” – Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice

– “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.” – Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player

– “What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?” – Woody Allen

– “I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I’m the good-quality dog meat. I’m the Alpo of the NBA.” – Shaquille O’Neal

– “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” – Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record in 1992

– “We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.” – Weldon Drew

– “There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet, and put the darn ball in the basket.” – Abe Lemons

– “We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.” – Norm Stewart

– “That’s a terrible defensive effort by Robert Horry. He didn’t even make it difficult for Rasheed Wallace to score.”
Snapper: “Well, what do you expect? Earlier you said that Wallace could be one of the best players in the game, and now you want Robert Horry to guard him one-on-one?”
Bill: “No, I said that Rasheed could be the best player in the game.” – Bill Walton & Snapper Jones

Best Comedian Quotes

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– “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, «I’d like some fries.» The girl at the counter said, «Would you like some fries with that?»” – Jay Leno)

– “My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.” – Roseanne

– “Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

– “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen

– “I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.” – Woody Allen

– “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin

– “Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac!” – George Carlin

– “You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.” – Dave Chappelle

– “I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.” – Dave Chappelle

– “A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.” – Bill Cosby

– “To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.” – Billy Crystal

– “I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” – Steven Wright

– “Having a male gynecologist is like going to an auto mechanic who doesn’t own a car.” – Carrie Snow

– “I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.” – Eddie Izzard

– “If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” – George Gobel

– “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” – George Carlin

– “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld

– “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.” – Chris Rock

50 funny quotes

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1. “Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back” – Unknown

2. “Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.” – Unknown

3. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.” – Unknown

4. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde

5. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” – Homer Simpson

6. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – Whitney Brown

7. “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.” – Albert Einstein

8. “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other one is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like «Psychic Wins Lottery» ?” – Jay Leno

10. “One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.” – George W. Bush

11. “Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.” – Al Bundy

12. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.” – Albert Einstein

13. “My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates

14. “Gas is getting so expensive I’m gonna ride a mexican to work.” – Chris Rock

15. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.” – John Peers

17. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.” – Steve Martin

18. “Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.” – Lyndon B. Johnson

19. “Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.” – Bill Cosbey

20. “If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” – George Carlin

21. “If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

22. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

23. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.” – Tommy Lasorda

24. “A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright

25. “You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.” – Homer J. Simpson

26. “Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do.” – Voltaire

27. “When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.” – Burt Reynolds

28. “Absence — that common cure of love.” – Miguel De Cervantes

29. “Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.” – Wendell Johnson

30. “It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.” – Weinberg

31. “As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.” – Socrates

32. “A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.” – Helen Rowland

33. “Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.” – Cordel Hull

34. “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill

35. “There are three faithful friends — an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.” – Benjamin Franklin

36. “The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate.” – Franklin P. Jones

37. “All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.” – Jane Wagner

38. “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not «Eureka!» (I found it!) but «That’s funny …» ” – Isaac Asimov

39. “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

40. “Doing nothing is very hard to do … you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen

41. “The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.” – Robert Frost

42. “The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

43. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

44. “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx

45. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.” – Mae West

46. “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin

47. “Dancing: the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” – George Bernard Shaw

48. “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.” – Woody Allen

49. “All women are good – good for nothing, or good for something.” – Miguel De Cervantes

50. “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers